Holy F*ckin' Sh*t

So I got onto my blog today and there were 25 hits yesterday. I am beyond excited because the most I would get in a spam of a few days would be 5 hits at best. even at 5 I would freak out tbh and it would be like "i am the greatest blogger in the world and everyone else can suck my balls." Thank you guys for looking at my blog so much and enjoying my sad life. I mean I have finally been approved for adsense and now you guys are hitting up this blog like I guest starred on broad city. {totally kidding there would be like way more views if that was the case.} but yeah, I really appreciate you guys taking the time to read this and it really does mean alot to me. I was worried that blogging was going to be a dying media with all the youtubers and everything and vlogs and shit.But to be brutally honest I am way too poor to get a cool camera and spend time editing my face. so yeah I'm really glad you guys read this and I am going to be moving soon so I might not be posting as regularly so all y'all nosey viewers might have to wait.  

Chapter 6: Cat Lady

So now that my year long break from the education system is over I have decided to go to art school and get my life together. The only problem with that besides the mountains of debt that i will be in and the stress of school work is that i have two cats. one has sinus problems the other is just a basket case. I don't know what to do with them because i was planning on living on campus, and i know who ever rooms with me isn't going to appreciate having cat snot on his or her clothes and all through out the little apartment/dormitory. I would leave them with my mom but she doesn't treat them well and My ex's mom loves cats but during a random fit of rage i deleted all the numbers. I still know where they live and all but the chances of me running into him and having this weird passive aggressive tension is going to make me want to rip my eyeballs out of my head. I mean I could just wait until he goes on a trip or something so i could ask about the cat situation, and the good thing about that is my cat Felix the one with all the sinus issues he wants to be an outside cat so bad, and it'd be perfect for him to be in a safe area without a lot of cars zooming buy to murder him. that's my biggest fear to be honest, I always feel like he's going to get hit by a car if i let him go outside even though he doesn't know how to get that far out of my apartment complex all i can see in my head is him getting turned into a kitty pancake whenever he goes outside.Everything feels so stressful. I have to find somewhere for my cats, I have to set up a financial plan for school, I have to do so much stuff and it's sort of overwhelming. well it really isn't I just feel overwhelmed because this year got kickstarted really quickly and I've been really melancholy . some days are really good and other days feel so dismal, I feel trapped, sad, and all around icky. it's not like a normal bad day it's like I'm in a vortex of negativity and i feel like everything I touch is destroyed and I am just a wreck.I just want to feel absolved y'know. I don't want to feel so guilty and overwhelmed by sadness. I want to feel like everything will be fine. sometimes i wish that i didnt have to weave my own fate all the time, and i could just sit back while my life is played out for me. I know it sounds really weak and lazy but It's tiring when you have to grow up so fast. I mean my mom wasn't the biggest help all the time but at least I didn't have to worry about buying my own hair products and food. I had all that time to dream and just get lost in my head. Now when i get lost in my head it's just thorns, monsters, and high scratchy grass.   the world is a nasty place.I mean my family wont even do things for eachother without keeping it as ammunition for a fight. I've learned now that you cant do things for people and expect anything in return because then you just end up disappointed and feeling empty. that's how i felt when my relationship ended I thought I had done more that enough but I expected to get more back, but it doesn't matter what you give someone or how much you give them to keep them around because if they don't want you around they're just going to take it and go.I mean look at the relationship I have with my Grandmother, she gave us furniture, she's been helping my mom pay bills but I still can't fucking stand her, I tried to like her and i opened myself up to growing our relationship, but then I figured out that i don't owe her my kindness. I don't owe her anything because she is still not a nice person. And it sucks because I can see that she still expects me to become warm to her but she does things and says things that pushes people away. So i've just been in the tense powder cag hating every moment of it.   It's not fun and I'm probably going to be homeless before i get into school. It just feels so odd how timing works. how you burn bridges with people and then everything spirals out of control.It doesn't seem like this year is going to be honest. and now i need to tuck my tail in between my legs and fix everything that I had fucked up.
 

Chapter 5: Crazy Bitch

Today was one of my better days. I went on a sick adventure through the town that I live in and found the biggest library. the sad thing is it was occupied by school age children and they bother me. I met some old hippies on the bus today, and talked to the lady that makes smoothies at the juice place near the library. I feel like I shouldve bought the sweater i tried on at the thrift store, but then I wouldn't have had enough money to get the smoothie. I bought lipstick and eyeliner even though i was supposed to wait until i went to visit my home girl over the weekend to go on like a shopping spree with her. I am almost all out of money but considering that its me and I usually spend everything as soon as I get it i think I am doing alot better in that department. I still wish there was some kind of magical grunge dress emporium that sold everything at like five dollars and the highest prices were like ten dollars. all the boutiques i went into were both not my style and too expensive. it was depressing.

ANYWAYYSSSS.

i wanted to talk about something that doesnt sit well with me, and it's when people either know they are mental and decide that they are going to live in the basket case closet or they are going to not let the fact that they are fucked up register at all but then decide to point it out in other people. for starters, I've been going to a therapist on and off ever since my parents separated. I know that I have chronic anxiety that sends me on the borders of insanity and straight up panic. I tell people these things when I meet them. it's basically like this; "Hey, I'm Jade I like action movies, cuddling , and i have been diagnosed with anxiety which means sometimes I freak out a lot over things that don't really matter to other people and it makes things hard for me. Sometimes that means I will break down from time to time because my thoughts make me panic and that effects me physically. So, tell me about yourself."  

I have come to terms with my shit because i am aware that it is going to make everyday things difficult for me. it will be hard making long friendships, it will be hard being in a stable relationship, it will be difficult dealing with romantic feelings and relationships point blank.Both of my parents shows signs of bipolar disorder, depression, and anxiety. I didn't ask for that shit. but then again, it wasn't like I tried to hide it and then one day it just popped up out of nowhere that I had some problems. that being said my illness doesn't discount my feelings. When I feel something it isn't because I am crazy or I need mental help, it's because I am having legitimate feelings that need to be taken seriously. We live in a society where a woman's feelings are often discounted because of PMS, menstrual cycles, Female Fragility, ect. But it isn't ever based off of how the woman is being treated or what she is enduring. so then she becomes the villain, she becomes the crazy evil witch. If I don't use my illness as a crutch to act a fucking mess, don't treat me like i am less of a person. I haven't stopped trying to have romantic relationships, I haven't stopped trying to have meaningful friendships. I haven't given up and laid down letting the illness consume me until I became useless.I have accepted it as a part of me and figured out how to survive. And I know that I don't have to settle merely for survival. I can have a real life.All of my life it's been like walking on pins and needles because I was trying to make sure I didn't slip up, I didn't show them what lurked around inside of me and all the feelings I had been ashamed of having. Or somehow my feelings would make others uncomfortable. so I swallowed up everything    

   but it doesn't matter any more, because you know who ends up hurting when I bottle it all up and hide all of that shit it hurts me, i'm the one who has stomach problems and sleepless night, i'm the one who cries until there is nothing left, i am the one with unresolved emotions festering in my bones, while everyone else lives comfortably not knowing that i'm dying a little bit everyday trying to keep everyone else comfortable. 

So, I guess this is growing up

Do you ever see people you went to high school with and they got hotter and they're doing things with their lives and you just feel like a potato because your life is going down hill one day at a time. some days it feels like things are getting better sometimes I feel like everything i'm doing is a waste of time. I feel like
I should've gone to college or at least art school but I didn't want to I thought I could make some thing of myself without going the same route that everyone else did. I have serious writers block and I can't draw  because I have art block as well and I have little to no inspiration. The only thing that is actually prospering is this blog because my life is out of control and i need to vent my frustrations without talking to my friends and making them sick of hearing me complain. I feel really lost and really confused. I'd really like to know if I was doing the right thing for myself but at the same time who is to tell me what is right when they aren't the ones living my life.The only thing that feels right is getting tattoos and piercings. it's the only thing that seems to make me happy. I feel more powerful when I get them. All the things that make me happy cost money, leaving me poor. so then it comes full circle and I end up unhappy. I don't know what i want to be and I don't know where I am going but I know who i want to be and who I want to be with so I've done something right.  I just want to shop all my feelings away. I want to buy make up and be trashy/fabulous. I want to move out and be left alone. I want to live a real life but I feel like it'll never start. I don't fair well with stasis and I don't want to stay in this place. It's like Charming, it's a poisonous town with poisonous people. I'm stuck in a vipers pit.

Chapter 4: The Thirst

I don't know why but at this point I want to be in a relationship again. I feel a little guilty but its slowly faded out of my head. there are still times when i recall good memories or sexy memories but other than that I want to get back into dating. I don't know what it is about me but even people that I would normally never consider I think of what it be like to date them. I just want to date again. I liked going out and being called pretty and someone touching my butt.I feel almost impatient because I want to get right to the point where i am cuddled up to someone telling them that I love them. I feel like a serial monogamist..I feel like I should hold on to the memory of Goat Man but it's not worth holding on. I mean the whole point of going through a break up is letting go, and the person I loved doesn't really exist anymore. I would've stayed mad but i feel like he gave me the chance to live life again by removing himself from the relationship. I felt like i had gotten a second chance to be the person I was supposed to be.I'd become lazy and complacent and all my energy was being poured into that relationship instead of into myself.I just wish that before we split up he hadn't have told me how much he wanted to marry me, or about the stupid engagement ring he bought in Hawaii.It was a low blow and even now it still stings.It's like he had wanted to make sure I wouldn't recover.we wouldn't have lasted if we did get married.He didn't have any other real goals besides those of a romantic nature.We wouldn't have been a good couple in the long run. we were kind of toxic, we made each other weak and it was just not right. when you are with some body you are supposed to be the best version of yourself but in the end we muted each other. it's good that we aren't together. I mean it still makes me sad because I did adore him, but Now both of us can really be free and be the people we want to be.
 I am gradually starting to like who i am and i feel better about me and myself. I don't feel any guilt toward how it ended and I don't blame Goat man for anything either. I feel like I can do about anything. 
 I don't know what I am lacking to feel the need that I must be in a relationship with someone to be happy. I guess I am used to giving affection and it just feels good to be in love.it's like a drug. you cant get enough of the person you are with and it's an escape from the other parts of your life that suck. I'm happy being alone, but I don't like being lonely. Now it's weird at home and I feel like I don't even belong here. it's always tense because the grandmonster is still being a pain in the ass and she always seems to have something shitty to say. the easiest thing to do at this point is to ignore her but it's still unfair that i have to be bullied in my own home, and my mom is too much of a coward to help me.I'm still searching for a job but I keep getting calls from places that want me to be my own boss.But whatever, side jobs don't hurt, i'd really just like to have an hourly paying job though.but I hope that if I call in and keep being obnoxious until they hire me.
                                                                                       that's it for now, K byeee.

Chapter 3: Pain, The Great Purifier

I was so afraid of causing pain and being a bad experience.
I was so hell bent on protecting, shielding you from all the horrors of heart break
turning myself into a bomb shelter
taking all the fall out
but I didn't know that by shielding you from the real pain
that I hurt you more than i ever could
because I robbed you of a lesson
I took away your chance for clarity
I didn't want you to become like me,
Jaded and guarded
but then I learned that being like me is what helped me survive
being like me helped me thrive
there is no other person that I could be
I wouldn't trade the dragon scales on my skin
or the burning embers of my soul
for the happiness of others
I wouldn't dull the sharp nails
or file down the teeth
for the convenience of another
what point would it be to clip my own wings
for someone else to soar.
Thank you for this gift. thank you for the pain
Thank you for the compression of my soul to turn me into a diamond.
Thank you for waking the dragon, because it had been asleep for way to long
I had lost my drive and my fire, but you found someway to give it back to me
The skies are waiting for me

Black Hot American Rage

So there is this thing that I am guilty of doing, I have been channeling all my negative feelings into cutting my hair, it seems to be like a drug, I continue to cut my hair over and over again.it's almost compulsive, I feel like one day I'm just going to shave all that shit off because it always feels like it is too long used to be so angry that I have had to work hard for everything. I had to work hard to over come anxiety, and the many divorces in my family. I've had to overcome people judging me and telling me that I wasn't a good christian,
christian, and having really religious relatives and friends pushing thoughts and ideas down my throat. I've lost friends for having a different opinion, and I've lost a lover for trying not to lose myself, but to be honest by that point , by the time i had met goat man I had already lost myself pieces of me had already eroded away from the previous loss.the sad part is that he'll still never have the chance to meet who i really am, just that broken shell of a person.      





I always wondered what would've happened if I was in my "FINAL FORM". we probably wouldn't have ended up together, but I'll never truly know, the fact that things ended means I need to stop re-reading the chapter that we were in and start writing the next one because nothing ever gets done when you look back, and I can't continue to replay our argument and try to piece things together and figure why nobody I meet is strong enough because I cant keep being strong for other people, and I need someone who will fight with me, I know it is twisted but at least they give a shit instead of swallowing up feelings and pretending that everything is okay because I know I'm not always okay. I am clingy, I am obnoxious, and passionate, and I have a lot of anger and a strong will that will always be in my life I can't change, I can't become some silent doll that just nods and pretends everything is alright because it's not, not all the time I'm not that girl, I'll never be that girl and that's alright. because I am strong and fierce and I like to call people cunts and listen to metal, I don't like to always listen to 70's music and pretend that I give a shit about society because I don't I only give a shit about me society can blow me.  I refuse to change, because I shouldn't have to          

  I refuse to change, because I shouldn't have to for anyone to love me. I shouldn't mold myself into anything so someone thinks I am worthy of them, because i am worth so much more than that already. I don't need anyone to like me, I don't need to be everyone's friend. I know how much work I put in and that is all that fucking matters because in the end I have to deal with me, and I have to be able to say to myself that i worked hard and I did what I could. I'm going to continue to be a rad fucking goddess and I am determined to be happy. There is no reason I have to be sad about anything or wishing that I could've done better or could've been anyone else. I'm so sick of girls (including myself) internalizing why boys don't like them and how they can change themselves to make boys like them because that's fucking bogus..Everything is bogus when you feel like shit around someone.   stay golden ponybitch! because once they leave you know you are going to either go back to the same bitch you were or just be a new bitch with no friends because you became someone else for someone who was temporary.know what your strengths are and know why you are a badass bitch from hell. don't let some guy no matter how pretty he is or how much he looks like Brad Pitt or Travis Finnel tell you what to do or who to be or how to act.because there will be someone who looks like Gerard Butler who thinks that you are perfect and thinks that the sun shines out of your butthole.I know that the future hold some ridiculously good dick, and hopefully like a job where I get paid hourly instead of on commission. that's my fucking new years resolution. Getting REALLY REALLY good penis that wont tell me i need to swear less or that i'm being abusive and get a real job that sends my pay checks with more than enough money for me to horde like the fucking dwarves in LTOR