Chapter 4: The Thirst

I don't know why but at this point I want to be in a relationship again. I feel a little guilty but its slowly faded out of my head. there are still times when i recall good memories or sexy memories but other than that I want to get back into dating. I don't know what it is about me but even people that I would normally never consider I think of what it be like to date them. I just want to date again. I liked going out and being called pretty and someone touching my butt.I feel almost impatient because I want to get right to the point where i am cuddled up to someone telling them that I love them. I feel like a serial monogamist..I feel like I should hold on to the memory of Goat Man but it's not worth holding on. I mean the whole point of going through a break up is letting go, and the person I loved doesn't really exist anymore. I would've stayed mad but i feel like he gave me the chance to live life again by removing himself from the relationship. I felt like i had gotten a second chance to be the person I was supposed to be.I'd become lazy and complacent and all my energy was being poured into that relationship instead of into myself.I just wish that before we split up he hadn't have told me how much he wanted to marry me, or about the stupid engagement ring he bought in Hawaii.It was a low blow and even now it still stings.It's like he had wanted to make sure I wouldn't recover.we wouldn't have lasted if we did get married.He didn't have any other real goals besides those of a romantic nature.We wouldn't have been a good couple in the long run. we were kind of toxic, we made each other weak and it was just not right. when you are with some body you are supposed to be the best version of yourself but in the end we muted each other. it's good that we aren't together. I mean it still makes me sad because I did adore him, but Now both of us can really be free and be the people we want to be.
 I am gradually starting to like who i am and i feel better about me and myself. I don't feel any guilt toward how it ended and I don't blame Goat man for anything either. I feel like I can do about anything. 
 I don't know what I am lacking to feel the need that I must be in a relationship with someone to be happy. I guess I am used to giving affection and it just feels good to be in love.it's like a drug. you cant get enough of the person you are with and it's an escape from the other parts of your life that suck. I'm happy being alone, but I don't like being lonely. Now it's weird at home and I feel like I don't even belong here. it's always tense because the grandmonster is still being a pain in the ass and she always seems to have something shitty to say. the easiest thing to do at this point is to ignore her but it's still unfair that i have to be bullied in my own home, and my mom is too much of a coward to help me.I'm still searching for a job but I keep getting calls from places that want me to be my own boss.But whatever, side jobs don't hurt, i'd really just like to have an hourly paying job though.but I hope that if I call in and keep being obnoxious until they hire me.
                                                                                       that's it for now, K byeee.

Chapter 3: Pain, The Great Purifier

I was so afraid of causing pain and being a bad experience.
I was so hell bent on protecting, shielding you from all the horrors of heart break
turning myself into a bomb shelter
taking all the fall out
but I didn't know that by shielding you from the real pain
that I hurt you more than i ever could
because I robbed you of a lesson
I took away your chance for clarity
I didn't want you to become like me,
Jaded and guarded
but then I learned that being like me is what helped me survive
being like me helped me thrive
there is no other person that I could be
I wouldn't trade the dragon scales on my skin
or the burning embers of my soul
for the happiness of others
I wouldn't dull the sharp nails
or file down the teeth
for the convenience of another
what point would it be to clip my own wings
for someone else to soar.
Thank you for this gift. thank you for the pain
Thank you for the compression of my soul to turn me into a diamond.
Thank you for waking the dragon, because it had been asleep for way to long
I had lost my drive and my fire, but you found someway to give it back to me
The skies are waiting for me

Black Hot American Rage

So there is this thing that I am guilty of doing, I have been channeling all my negative feelings into cutting my hair, it seems to be like a drug, I continue to cut my hair over and over again.it's almost compulsive, I feel like one day I'm just going to shave all that shit off because it always feels like it is too long used to be so angry that I have had to work hard for everything. I had to work hard to over come anxiety, and the many divorces in my family. I've had to overcome people judging me and telling me that I wasn't a good christian,
christian, and having really religious relatives and friends pushing thoughts and ideas down my throat. I've lost friends for having a different opinion, and I've lost a lover for trying not to lose myself, but to be honest by that point , by the time i had met goat man I had already lost myself pieces of me had already eroded away from the previous loss.the sad part is that he'll still never have the chance to meet who i really am, just that broken shell of a person.      





I always wondered what would've happened if I was in my "FINAL FORM". we probably wouldn't have ended up together, but I'll never truly know, the fact that things ended means I need to stop re-reading the chapter that we were in and start writing the next one because nothing ever gets done when you look back, and I can't continue to replay our argument and try to piece things together and figure why nobody I meet is strong enough because I cant keep being strong for other people, and I need someone who will fight with me, I know it is twisted but at least they give a shit instead of swallowing up feelings and pretending that everything is okay because I know I'm not always okay. I am clingy, I am obnoxious, and passionate, and I have a lot of anger and a strong will that will always be in my life I can't change, I can't become some silent doll that just nods and pretends everything is alright because it's not, not all the time I'm not that girl, I'll never be that girl and that's alright. because I am strong and fierce and I like to call people cunts and listen to metal, I don't like to always listen to 70's music and pretend that I give a shit about society because I don't I only give a shit about me society can blow me.  I refuse to change, because I shouldn't have to          

  I refuse to change, because I shouldn't have to for anyone to love me. I shouldn't mold myself into anything so someone thinks I am worthy of them, because i am worth so much more than that already. I don't need anyone to like me, I don't need to be everyone's friend. I know how much work I put in and that is all that fucking matters because in the end I have to deal with me, and I have to be able to say to myself that i worked hard and I did what I could. I'm going to continue to be a rad fucking goddess and I am determined to be happy. There is no reason I have to be sad about anything or wishing that I could've done better or could've been anyone else. I'm so sick of girls (including myself) internalizing why boys don't like them and how they can change themselves to make boys like them because that's fucking bogus..Everything is bogus when you feel like shit around someone.   stay golden ponybitch! because once they leave you know you are going to either go back to the same bitch you were or just be a new bitch with no friends because you became someone else for someone who was temporary.know what your strengths are and know why you are a badass bitch from hell. don't let some guy no matter how pretty he is or how much he looks like Brad Pitt or Travis Finnel tell you what to do or who to be or how to act.because there will be someone who looks like Gerard Butler who thinks that you are perfect and thinks that the sun shines out of your butthole.I know that the future hold some ridiculously good dick, and hopefully like a job where I get paid hourly instead of on commission. that's my fucking new years resolution. Getting REALLY REALLY good penis that wont tell me i need to swear less or that i'm being abusive and get a real job that sends my pay checks with more than enough money for me to horde like the fucking dwarves in LTOR   

Chapter 2:Clinger?

I'm a clinger. Oh my god I feel so gross because I never felt this way before and I do not like it. I mean like I I just text once in a while but I am having stupid feelings and it is upsetting because i just feel like a crazy person. i feel like a sociopath because this is a bigger part of my life than i thought it would be. i thought i would be in the middle of a new relationship by now, or at least fucking someone new. It's like it wont end and i want to just push the system reboot setting on my brain so i just stop caring and stop worrying and feeling like i need to talk to the EX. I mean I know that i am no longer wanted but I don't even feel like myself anymore, i feel like this gross clingy love demon, and EVERY single channel i turn to has something about break ups or relationships or some shit and I just want to burst into flames and die.
it's like can I please watch fucking tv without being reminded that i'm single over and over again. if I have to see one more show talking about break-ups or Ex's or any of that shit i will jump in a hole filled with scorpions and perish. it's like i get it it's a normal process but I don't have to see it on fucking TV watching ninja turtles or some shit, does that make sense.I know these things don't last forever but I just cant right now, because not only are my brain and my heart playing table tennis on whether i should stop trying and leave him alone forever and go disappear, or keep trying and hope that he wont report me to the authorities for being annoying. it's just so fucking shameful, it's like being addicted to something stupid like eating toilet paper, it's not even a cool addiction like being a stoner, or being an alcoholic(though alcoholism dangerous and shouldn't be glorified) I"m over here being shameful pining away waiting for someone who doesn't give two shits about me to come to me
I am a pretty rad bitch, and i don't understand why i keep doing basic bitch things and still fucking hoping that one day i'll wake up and he'll care. I hate caring, I hate thinking about people who aren't thinking about me but it never fucking ends, and now i am adding to the cycle of Break up blogs and sons and tv show after talking so much shit about break up shows and crap. I want to be stronger, I want to be able to walk away and never look back and never hope that things will be different and just go somewhere. i have been looking for a job so i wont have to be a home but all the jobs that want me to work with them are jobs where i have to work online and stay at home and fester in my own turmoil.I want my life back! I want my life to start I want to feel like I am in control and that I can do whatever the fuck I want to do. I don't want to think about anything that involves romance unless it's a novel or a movie or something. I want a mohawk and infinite amounts of spending money. I feel so stuck like I am drowning and everyone says it's going to get better and things will be looking up but they never say when.When will I have enough money to not be trapped in a box?When will my feelings all go dull and I can go back to living in peaceful indifference? When the fuck is it going to get better? because right now it sure isn't getting fucking better.

General EyeRoll

I have the strongest urge to shop but I' don't know what I want to dress like at the moment and i'm still trying to save money until I get paid again. There aren't any good places to shop accept for the good will and I cant afford to go to the Glendale Galeria.I've been really worried about setting up finances and setting up a bank account and getting a credit card for work. sometimes i feel like it wont happen because i have the habit of spending my money on stupid crap. Life seems to be getting less fun the older I get. It's stressful and uncomfortable, nothing seems to fall into place and I have to do everything myself because it's hard enough for my mom to support all of us without having to shell out money so i can start having a financial history. I was supposed to go out to riverside this week but i really don't want to. i'm just going to be stuck with religious relatives that are going to make a big deal about me piercing my nose and cutting off all my hair.Everyday feels like a mini war. I seem to continually have small identity crisis on a daily basis because i'm going through this weird find yourself period but all i seem to find in myself are bits and pieces of other people's stories. I don't feel like my story is 100% mine at all, I guess that comes from years of internalizing other people's shit.my fucking bathroom got flooded so now the sink is pretty much unusable and I don't know if my toothbrush is olkay so That's how my life went. the longer I stay awake the more i realize that unless I have real work to do or something going on in my life i'm just lonely and horny and sad. I logged into my tumblr again and it felt like i had been away for years, it was nice. this is pretty much just a whole page of me rambling about nonsense and bullshit then i'm going to post it and three seconds after the same 1 person is going to like my post.I'm really fucking tired of Charlie Hunnam's face always showing up in my life though it's fucking everywhere and it just continues to remind me of punk ass goat man and then i just want to crawl into a hole and die.,

anywAaaaay...goodnight you guys,,,

Chapter 1: HAVING FEELINGS

okay so this is just going to be a series based off of the last post 'Adventures in Ex-girlfriendhood,' basically categorizing all the gross inbetween crap before becoming fabulous and living in the land of acceptance and getting an apartment in 'the friendzone.'You're going to get tired of reading these around the time I get tired of posting them. This for me is an exercise in expression instead of repressing the issue and letting it fester and make me even more bitter than I already am.I had a really great day today, I bought new shampoo and conditioner with keratin oils in them, and i bought gel, and got my eyebrows done. then after I made a new friend and went on a Job interview that ended in me being an official Avon lady. Despite not having a car, and not having a bank account or credit cards making me still less than a person, I always end up explaining that I don't know how to drive because nobody wanted to teach me since a lot of my family sees me as the dumb careless happy idiot who just happened to be good at drawing.

I wish people didn't think I was dumb because I was quiet, introverted, and easygoing, or even too optimistic. I work really hard for people to finally realize that
I am mature and I can handle myself without any ones help but everyone just ends up patting me on the head and giving me a cookie.I still miss having real conversations with Goat Man, but now the conversations are just polite small talk like the way out would talk to a friend that you don't care for very much. I still don't understand why I get a job, and my friends show up in my life regularly when there is no more Goat Man.I guess it doesn't really matter, I still feel like I'm a little empty. I don't want to feel anything about it but at the same time I just want to go and talk to him, or call ,or even just text but at the same time it's hard to have casual conversations if you're me because all I think of is what I'd REALLY like to say which would probably push him even father away than he is now.

Everything is just so weird. I want to be able to say everything in my head without it having some sort of nuclear reaction.I don't even understand why I still want to hang on because even in youtube videos they talk about realizing your worth and leaving bad situations or leaving people alone if they don't want to but it's like my head and my heart are having problems getting along and it's making it hard for me to be by myself without being busy because I just end up overthinking, or just pining away because I still have feelings that haven't gone away and I'm just in this weird limbo.my skin is irritable because I have been stressing myself out and all I want to do is eat pounds and pounds of chocolate. I don't even have Chocolate. I know I am stronger than this, and one day I'll look back at these posts and probably laugh because I've found the person of my dreams and we've gotten married and had a life together and I'll laugh at how heart broken 18 year old me was and feel sorry for her for being so sad about a guy. I guess I should just stop being so hard on myself and welcome these illogical feelings of sadness and mourning even though I knew that it was going to happen anyway because it is a totally natural part of human life and dating and romantic cycles. I should cut myself a break because it's not like I am vulcan, and Illogical feelings will pop up and bug me from time to time, I can't really fight them, because stuffing them down and trying to fight them off is the most dangerous thing to do.

I wish I was colder and harder so I would care less. I wish I was a mean heartless bitch who gobbled up other people's misery and didnt give a damn about anything or anyone and how they feel about me. I wish I was rich enough to shop until I dropped and wore sexy clothes all the time and looked amazing every single day. I always seem to be the person who forgives everything and wants everything back to normal, I wish I could hold grudges and hate everyone who had ever hurt my feelings but I'm just not wired that way and I want to make things better and make everyone happy because I'm already happy. I like who I am when I'm not having feelings and being a fuck-ass. %80 percent of the time i'm great, i just need to stop being a door mat the other %20 of the time.I want this to be over to tell you the truth, it's as if I could wake up tomorrow and feel nothing and just continue to do bad assery

Adventures in Ex-girlfriend(hood)

Hey, hope you all had a really great holiday break and I am sad for those going back to work and school after having such a great time off. I wasn't sure what to call this post whether i should call it Adventures in ex- girlfriendDOM or ex girlfriendHOOD but either way this is basically my EXperience {hahahaha}. So basically I sort of feel better being an ex than i did being an actual girlfriend. It seems like everyone has been breaking up recently so I don't feel so pitiful. In a weird way I like my ex- more than i had while we were dating. I saw him today but it was very brief, I just ended up being a troll when he left hoping that he would be thinking about me, how good I look, how different my hair looks, how awesome my nose ring is. it seems immature and lame but it's human to be petty. I shouldn't focus all my energy on it I know that. the thing that has bothered me the most was the pity party everyone wants to throw for me because i am single now.They always apologize and make it seem like I have lost a family member or i have cancer when in actuality the fucker is in the next room eating cheetos or some shit.I'm a little happier now which is sort of twisted but at the same time i feel like there is something missing like a piece of me is gone. I don't make it a practice to be very emotional, I guess now all my anger towards the situation has been stored in this energy pouch that's just makes me want to be sexy and productive and get shit done. I want to conquer things. I feel like I have a new start in everything. I feel conflicted to say the least. it's a good and bad type situation, like I feel free but at the same time i miss having the companionship, i miss being a girlfriend and always being there and always having someone to talk to and I obviously miss regular sex. I don't know how to feel. I feel like I am obsessive because that's all I want to talk about and I can't seem to let it go, I'm irritated that it takes so long to move on. i am not sure how long the grieving period is supposed to be, but i don't like it, I don't like grieving and caring and thinking about the situation and replaying everything over and over again in my head because I am so fixated on either being right, or being angry, or just missing all the good parts of my relationship.I'm not sure if i want to move towns because i still have those feelings and sometimes I do think that we could get back together, other times i hate the bastard and hope he bursts into either flames or tears at the very thought of my godliness. Either way he has a lot of my energy and I don't like that. now we just exist separately. I keep getting told to either let him go or fight for what we had but I'm too confused now to even really bother. I'm planning on doing a lot of shopping tomorrow because doing that makes me feel really good, maybe even getting my eyebrows done and getting a little bit more sexy. I just have to focus on myself instead of everyone else. I like doing things for myself. I really just feel like my entire life is one big question mark. Like just a whole series of me walking around and being confused. I feel like subconsciously I do wish we could start over and date again, but there is this louder voice yelling over the tiny voice screaming "GO BE FABULOUS, YOU CAN DO BETTER, YOU'RE REALLY HOT SOMEONE ELSE WILL FUCK YOU BETTER, YOU DON'T NEED HIM TO SURVIVE BECAUSE YOU'RE FUCKING RAD!" There are probably girls everywhere dealing with the same thing so I know i am not by myself, and I know that what ever i do is up to me and it's what'll make me the happiest not based off of what I am supposed to do. I am just so used to waiting and letting things play out so I don't get hurt but I felt most alive when I made choices for myself even though i got into fucked up situations and had a hard go of it it was still up to me and not anyone else and that felt great.
to be honest i feel like there is this die hard romantic that lived inside my head that I tried to kill with man hating and selfishness. but that little heart still pumps no matter how hard I try to drown it out.