Chapter 2:Clinger?

I'm a clinger. Oh my god I feel so gross because I never felt this way before and I do not like it. I mean like I I just text once in a while but I am having stupid feelings and it is upsetting because i just feel like a crazy person. i feel like a sociopath because this is a bigger part of my life than i thought it would be. i thought i would be in the middle of a new relationship by now, or at least fucking someone new. It's like it wont end and i want to just push the system reboot setting on my brain so i just stop caring and stop worrying and feeling like i need to talk to the EX. I mean I know that i am no longer wanted but I don't even feel like myself anymore, i feel like this gross clingy love demon, and EVERY single channel i turn to has something about break ups or relationships or some shit and I just want to burst into flames and die.
it's like can I please watch fucking tv without being reminded that i'm single over and over again. if I have to see one more show talking about break-ups or Ex's or any of that shit i will jump in a hole filled with scorpions and perish. it's like i get it it's a normal process but I don't have to see it on fucking TV watching ninja turtles or some shit, does that make sense.I know these things don't last forever but I just cant right now, because not only are my brain and my heart playing table tennis on whether i should stop trying and leave him alone forever and go disappear, or keep trying and hope that he wont report me to the authorities for being annoying. it's just so fucking shameful, it's like being addicted to something stupid like eating toilet paper, it's not even a cool addiction like being a stoner, or being an alcoholic(though alcoholism dangerous and shouldn't be glorified) I"m over here being shameful pining away waiting for someone who doesn't give two shits about me to come to me
I am a pretty rad bitch, and i don't understand why i keep doing basic bitch things and still fucking hoping that one day i'll wake up and he'll care. I hate caring, I hate thinking about people who aren't thinking about me but it never fucking ends, and now i am adding to the cycle of Break up blogs and sons and tv show after talking so much shit about break up shows and crap. I want to be stronger, I want to be able to walk away and never look back and never hope that things will be different and just go somewhere. i have been looking for a job so i wont have to be a home but all the jobs that want me to work with them are jobs where i have to work online and stay at home and fester in my own turmoil.I want my life back! I want my life to start I want to feel like I am in control and that I can do whatever the fuck I want to do. I don't want to think about anything that involves romance unless it's a novel or a movie or something. I want a mohawk and infinite amounts of spending money. I feel so stuck like I am drowning and everyone says it's going to get better and things will be looking up but they never say when.When will I have enough money to not be trapped in a box?When will my feelings all go dull and I can go back to living in peaceful indifference? When the fuck is it going to get better? because right now it sure isn't getting fucking better.

General EyeRoll

I have the strongest urge to shop but I' don't know what I want to dress like at the moment and i'm still trying to save money until I get paid again. There aren't any good places to shop accept for the good will and I cant afford to go to the Glendale Galeria.I've been really worried about setting up finances and setting up a bank account and getting a credit card for work. sometimes i feel like it wont happen because i have the habit of spending my money on stupid crap. Life seems to be getting less fun the older I get. It's stressful and uncomfortable, nothing seems to fall into place and I have to do everything myself because it's hard enough for my mom to support all of us without having to shell out money so i can start having a financial history. I was supposed to go out to riverside this week but i really don't want to. i'm just going to be stuck with religious relatives that are going to make a big deal about me piercing my nose and cutting off all my hair.Everyday feels like a mini war. I seem to continually have small identity crisis on a daily basis because i'm going through this weird find yourself period but all i seem to find in myself are bits and pieces of other people's stories. I don't feel like my story is 100% mine at all, I guess that comes from years of internalizing other people's shit.my fucking bathroom got flooded so now the sink is pretty much unusable and I don't know if my toothbrush is olkay so That's how my life went. the longer I stay awake the more i realize that unless I have real work to do or something going on in my life i'm just lonely and horny and sad. I logged into my tumblr again and it felt like i had been away for years, it was nice. this is pretty much just a whole page of me rambling about nonsense and bullshit then i'm going to post it and three seconds after the same 1 person is going to like my post.I'm really fucking tired of Charlie Hunnam's face always showing up in my life though it's fucking everywhere and it just continues to remind me of punk ass goat man and then i just want to crawl into a hole and die.,

anywAaaaay...goodnight you guys,,,

Chapter 1: HAVING FEELINGS

okay so this is just going to be a series based off of the last post 'Adventures in Ex-girlfriendhood,' basically categorizing all the gross inbetween crap before becoming fabulous and living in the land of acceptance and getting an apartment in 'the friendzone.'You're going to get tired of reading these around the time I get tired of posting them. This for me is an exercise in expression instead of repressing the issue and letting it fester and make me even more bitter than I already am.I had a really great day today, I bought new shampoo and conditioner with keratin oils in them, and i bought gel, and got my eyebrows done. then after I made a new friend and went on a Job interview that ended in me being an official Avon lady. Despite not having a car, and not having a bank account or credit cards making me still less than a person, I always end up explaining that I don't know how to drive because nobody wanted to teach me since a lot of my family sees me as the dumb careless happy idiot who just happened to be good at drawing.

I wish people didn't think I was dumb because I was quiet, introverted, and easygoing, or even too optimistic. I work really hard for people to finally realize that
I am mature and I can handle myself without any ones help but everyone just ends up patting me on the head and giving me a cookie.I still miss having real conversations with Goat Man, but now the conversations are just polite small talk like the way out would talk to a friend that you don't care for very much. I still don't understand why I get a job, and my friends show up in my life regularly when there is no more Goat Man.I guess it doesn't really matter, I still feel like I'm a little empty. I don't want to feel anything about it but at the same time I just want to go and talk to him, or call ,or even just text but at the same time it's hard to have casual conversations if you're me because all I think of is what I'd REALLY like to say which would probably push him even father away than he is now.

Everything is just so weird. I want to be able to say everything in my head without it having some sort of nuclear reaction.I don't even understand why I still want to hang on because even in youtube videos they talk about realizing your worth and leaving bad situations or leaving people alone if they don't want to but it's like my head and my heart are having problems getting along and it's making it hard for me to be by myself without being busy because I just end up overthinking, or just pining away because I still have feelings that haven't gone away and I'm just in this weird limbo.my skin is irritable because I have been stressing myself out and all I want to do is eat pounds and pounds of chocolate. I don't even have Chocolate. I know I am stronger than this, and one day I'll look back at these posts and probably laugh because I've found the person of my dreams and we've gotten married and had a life together and I'll laugh at how heart broken 18 year old me was and feel sorry for her for being so sad about a guy. I guess I should just stop being so hard on myself and welcome these illogical feelings of sadness and mourning even though I knew that it was going to happen anyway because it is a totally natural part of human life and dating and romantic cycles. I should cut myself a break because it's not like I am vulcan, and Illogical feelings will pop up and bug me from time to time, I can't really fight them, because stuffing them down and trying to fight them off is the most dangerous thing to do.

I wish I was colder and harder so I would care less. I wish I was a mean heartless bitch who gobbled up other people's misery and didnt give a damn about anything or anyone and how they feel about me. I wish I was rich enough to shop until I dropped and wore sexy clothes all the time and looked amazing every single day. I always seem to be the person who forgives everything and wants everything back to normal, I wish I could hold grudges and hate everyone who had ever hurt my feelings but I'm just not wired that way and I want to make things better and make everyone happy because I'm already happy. I like who I am when I'm not having feelings and being a fuck-ass. %80 percent of the time i'm great, i just need to stop being a door mat the other %20 of the time.I want this to be over to tell you the truth, it's as if I could wake up tomorrow and feel nothing and just continue to do bad assery

Adventures in Ex-girlfriend(hood)

Hey, hope you all had a really great holiday break and I am sad for those going back to work and school after having such a great time off. I wasn't sure what to call this post whether i should call it Adventures in ex- girlfriendDOM or ex girlfriendHOOD but either way this is basically my EXperience {hahahaha}. So basically I sort of feel better being an ex than i did being an actual girlfriend. It seems like everyone has been breaking up recently so I don't feel so pitiful. In a weird way I like my ex- more than i had while we were dating. I saw him today but it was very brief, I just ended up being a troll when he left hoping that he would be thinking about me, how good I look, how different my hair looks, how awesome my nose ring is. it seems immature and lame but it's human to be petty. I shouldn't focus all my energy on it I know that. the thing that has bothered me the most was the pity party everyone wants to throw for me because i am single now.They always apologize and make it seem like I have lost a family member or i have cancer when in actuality the fucker is in the next room eating cheetos or some shit.I'm a little happier now which is sort of twisted but at the same time i feel like there is something missing like a piece of me is gone. I don't make it a practice to be very emotional, I guess now all my anger towards the situation has been stored in this energy pouch that's just makes me want to be sexy and productive and get shit done. I want to conquer things. I feel like I have a new start in everything. I feel conflicted to say the least. it's a good and bad type situation, like I feel free but at the same time i miss having the companionship, i miss being a girlfriend and always being there and always having someone to talk to and I obviously miss regular sex. I don't know how to feel. I feel like I am obsessive because that's all I want to talk about and I can't seem to let it go, I'm irritated that it takes so long to move on. i am not sure how long the grieving period is supposed to be, but i don't like it, I don't like grieving and caring and thinking about the situation and replaying everything over and over again in my head because I am so fixated on either being right, or being angry, or just missing all the good parts of my relationship.I'm not sure if i want to move towns because i still have those feelings and sometimes I do think that we could get back together, other times i hate the bastard and hope he bursts into either flames or tears at the very thought of my godliness. Either way he has a lot of my energy and I don't like that. now we just exist separately. I keep getting told to either let him go or fight for what we had but I'm too confused now to even really bother. I'm planning on doing a lot of shopping tomorrow because doing that makes me feel really good, maybe even getting my eyebrows done and getting a little bit more sexy. I just have to focus on myself instead of everyone else. I like doing things for myself. I really just feel like my entire life is one big question mark. Like just a whole series of me walking around and being confused. I feel like subconsciously I do wish we could start over and date again, but there is this louder voice yelling over the tiny voice screaming "GO BE FABULOUS, YOU CAN DO BETTER, YOU'RE REALLY HOT SOMEONE ELSE WILL FUCK YOU BETTER, YOU DON'T NEED HIM TO SURVIVE BECAUSE YOU'RE FUCKING RAD!" There are probably girls everywhere dealing with the same thing so I know i am not by myself, and I know that what ever i do is up to me and it's what'll make me the happiest not based off of what I am supposed to do. I am just so used to waiting and letting things play out so I don't get hurt but I felt most alive when I made choices for myself even though i got into fucked up situations and had a hard go of it it was still up to me and not anyone else and that felt great.
to be honest i feel like there is this die hard romantic that lived inside my head that I tried to kill with man hating and selfishness. but that little heart still pumps no matter how hard I try to drown it out.

Things I Have Learned

I learned not to regret anything during the course of this year. things that suck, problems I've had. I wouldn't trade any of it for the world. And even though what hurt me the most was losing Goat Man, I'm glad that i had the chance to meet him. I feel like i needed to meet him to learn, i didn't want to learn it the way that i did but  I learned it anyway. He'll always be a good memory/ a great memory. I have come to realize that people need pain in their lives to realize who they are supposed to be. Goat Man encouraged me to do more, to be myself and to find the version of myself that made me shine the most. I hope next year everyone that reads this blog finds something that makes them feel that way, something that makes them feel alive. Whether it be a new lover, new friends, old friends you don't talk to, a new job, a promotion, a pet an adventure. Whatever it is that challenges you and makes you feel like you will never stop working and trying until you get to where you want to be.

I learned that the best person you can ever meet is yourself. It might sound like stupid cliche new years bullshit or a hallmark card about finding yourself but i don't care. and if you have a problem with it don't read my blog. I felt like i had no control over a lot of things in my life and going from family drama to therapy to losing friends and blaming myself, but when i actually had the chance to be just alone I noticed that I was AWESOME.I learned that you don't have to feel bad about being alone during the holidays or new years. I learned that you should stop setting goals that put you down. you don't have to lose weight just because the new year started, unless you want to but we all know you will work out for the first week or so and then get caught up in actually having a life and not being a fitness nut. this year all my goals are sort of just about getting my life started. I still have to find a real job (that pays by the hour) and I still have to get my book published.
set new years resolutions toward following your dreams and doing something exciting. kiss a stranger on new years if you're single. Go somewhere you've never been before next year. stay positive and accept your body next year. tell yourself that your body is the most beautiful body you could ever have, whether your former resolution is gaining or losing weight it doesn't matter. someone wont kick you out of their bedroom because you are too skinny or plus sized. and if they do, they're a Cunt with a capitol C. Challenge yourself. DO something worth doing. And don't make my mistake; when you meet someone that makes you want to become a better person and makes you feel like you are immortal, never let them go.

                           
                                                                   

Happy Fucking New Year.

I know i have been inactive a lot the last few weeks, but the end of this year hasn't been very pleasant. I try really hard to keep my personal life and my blog in two different areanas but now I just don't care. My adsence application was denied so i am not getting paid for my blog posts, my boyfriend Goat Man dumped me, and the Grandmother from hell moved in and started fucking up the whole vibe in my home. she was only supposed to be living with us for a month but her and my mom decided the wanted to uproot me and my life and move out to Northridge, where I was born. I know I don't have a lot going for my any more in Sunland since my high school friends and I had a falling out when I met Goat man, which is not a bros before hoes situation either. a friend of mine had a crush on me and started to act weird once I had gotten a boyfriend and it was just a whole lot of fucking drama. But basically all I had left was him. so basically now if I stay in Sunland I will be living alone in a one bedroom apartment that costs way too much and I still haven't found a good job even though I have gone on COUNTLESS job interviews.

But if I move with my mom and Grandmonster I will be in a continuous state of discomfort and loathing even though I tried really hard to get used to her and like her she still turned out to suck. so i will probably have to place fucking ads on craigslist so I can get a roommate to help me pay for the apartment, but i will finally be alone and no longer subject to vehement hatred and tension in my home. it just seemed like my entire life so far has been a catch twenty-two. everything is terrible no matter which way I look and I know that sounds angsty but that's how i feel. now i am doing this house sitting gig for my ex's family but my ex still ignores me most of the time and makes me feel dumb when I do talk to him, but that had been the tenor of most of our relationship. I try to help, try to fix things, try to give him advice but no I'm still the immature one and I am the one that needs to 'work on myself." because no matter what i'm still doing something wrong or i'm not good enough. to that i say FUCK THAT.

Not trying to toot my own horn, but i was a pretty damn awesome girlfriend, and a pretty reasonable ex girlfriend.But apparently still not up to fucking par. this is probably going to get flagged because I am cursing and I still wont qualify for adsense because i don't MEET THE REQUIREMENTS. I am fucking awesome and I deserve better from next year. I'm tired of my life not being in my control, I'm tired of getting fucked over by people I trust and admire. 2014 gets the fucking finger! i worked so hard and got shit on in every fucking directions. the best part of this year was getting the house sitting gig so I could avoid all the shitty problems in my home life.

Don't get me wrong the beginning of my relationship was totally awesome and I had a lot of fun. But right now i am just totally pissed and everything is just festering because I cant hold my own in real arguements without crying like a little bitch because I thought this would be the one person that I didn't have to fight with and that everything would be forgiven and we would accept each other because I risked a lot to date him and it still blew up in my face. I'm just so tired of things falling apart because i work really hard to stay sane and to contribute to society and my fucking book. but i guess I still need to harder!

                                                                                              HAPPY NEW YEARS EVERYBODY

18 years a slave

I have never felt unequal to anyone regardless of sex, or race because in my heart I have seen myself to be my own person. Regardless of what class I belong to I have something that some people may never have in their lives and that is fight. If you have fight in your heart no one will ever be able to break you no matter how strong they maybe. But some people seem to misunderstand fight for animosity or anger. Fighting for what you believe in takes more than words it takes action. If you believe in honor, love, equality you have to do something you can't just sit around talking about it and making people angry. I had a teacher who used to provoke the feminists in my class with how many inequalities lay in wait for them in the real world she used to try to get me to become angry at things white people had done to my people. But there was only empty words that lacked follow through being strewn about carelessly into the void of teen minds. There are things that make me angry of course but those things I take the time to fight them slowly but surely knowing that one day those things won't be there to upset anyone any more. Nobody will benefit from anger if it isn't channeled in a productive way. That's all. Posts have been pretty deep lately. Either deep or just the ramblings of a hippie. Whatever you choose to call it is up to you.