Misery

as i am writing this i would like to inform you that i am not wearing my glasses because i cant find them. so this will not be well edited nor will it be gramatically correct because i cant really fucking see.I've been going through some weird stuff like my body has been on the fritz for the last few days. i survived a panic attack at work and i have been having this overwhelming achey feeling in my bones like something is going to happen. I'm not sure if it is good or bad but i can feel it deep in my marrow. like a metaphorical storm is coming. even through if you live in California like me a storm has already come to pass and it is going to be a bit gloomy for a few days.found my glasses. okay so anyway. i have been feeling like severely romantically starved like I have become obsessed with like true love tarot readings and love horoscopes and shit like something will actually happen but nothing seems to be happening accept for the tarot readings telling me to go out and socialize and maybe you'll find someone worth your time. and i'm like "Oh fucking really? I could've told myself this bullshit instead of wasting data and battery." and the only options i have at the moment is the hot meat guy at my job and this military kid that hs been texting me on and off for a while but at the same time I see no real future with either options because the military one has fuck boy tendencies and the meat guy would get me fired if I actually ended up fucking him because my job has like this strict sexual harrassment thing.but I feel empty like there is a part of me out there missing and It fucks with me on  a cellular level. Like all I want right now is for someone to look at me the way Robert Pattinson looks at FKA twigs in the met gala photos DO YOU FUCKING SEE ALL THAT RAW ADORATION???? I mean jesus christ I hate hearing that bullshit when people are like "you have to love yourself first then love will come" because i love myself more than anyone ever could to where it is boardering on Kanye west self obsession, and this has been a long dry spring bordering on an even dryer summer. and i know some of you out there are like damn she's thirsty or damn she needs to worry about her career and going to school because she's too young for this shit. well first off FUCK YOU you can still be strongly sexually and romantically oriented and pursue a career like I want to be an ESL or kindergarten teacher. I know that shit now and I know I can still do all the other stuff I saw myself doing if I go back to school in my 20's. and second of all I cant control these feelings it's not like I can turn them off. love and sex is as natural as food and drink just not everyone gets to have them. ANd I have wished for most of my life that I could shut these feelings down, that I could bury this part of me and become a robot.i wished that i could live asexually instead of constantly being a lusty monster craving love, adoration, and constant affections. that's another reason why my relationship fell apart because my greedy neediness and always wanting the attention and touch of my previous partner. but I cant help it, it's like I am addicted to touch and without it i start to go into this weird withdrawl. there is no shutting it down and turning off the power switch. there is no "just don't think about it." there is no dont crave the slightest touch of someone who loves you. there is no cure.  
  there is no cure for hope, there is no cure for endless love. there is no cure for dreaming that one day there will be someone to give it too me without complication. like I have this scenario in my head that I will meet that person and time will slow down and everything will fall into place.everyone has someone that makes the world stop for them. Frida Khalo had Diego Rivera, Scarlet O'hara had Rhett Butler. There is that one person that makes a home in your soul and wouldn't ever leave, no matter the circumstances and I refuse to give that up.There is someone who will break all this boredom and monotony. there is a great love out there. there has to be.

Chapter 20:Spirits Laid to Rest

Today I puked at work, not one of my proudest moments but I mean I ate fruit so it wasnt as bad as it could've been. I talked to this guy that works with me and it was the longest conversation we had since he started working there. he's a decent dude. and after that I had been re-united with one of my ghosts. we'll call her Star, anyway I took it upon myself to sage that wound and speak to her because we have spent most of our lives after high school ignoring and avoiding each other. it was pretty lovely and it felt like we hadnt stopped being friends but at the same time I would be okay if things didn't go back to how they were. 
 I mean she's wonderful but it's been happening like this all the time I went to a church that I used to go to and it felt nice but at the same time I knew I wasn't that girl anymore.the same thing happened with friends that I had while in middle school. I missed them for eons and then visited them habitually and figured the memory was better than the real thing. which brought me to the conclusion that even now as I reminisce over Goat Man, I get the feeling that Finally everyone was right, that the past should stay in the past. my nostalgic nature usually betrays me but keeping in a forward trajectory is what I should keep my focus on.   The point of meeting things from your past doesnt always mean they were meant to be in your present. but if they keep bumping into you that means there is something that needs to be done and you cant go on hiding from things.I couldnt keep hiding from Star and wallowing in the ill will that I had been harboring and that had hindered me from having a healthy relationship with Goat Man because most of it was my fault, because all she wanted was the best for me. growing is an interesting thing because you know it's happening but it happens in the smallest moments, moments of kindness and friendship, moments of goodness and compassion. Not in hate or by force or in anger. it's like when people say singing to plants help them grow faster, I have rarely had moments when I had been proud of myself unless it had been an academic or athletic feat.But socially proud of myself especially dealing with anxiety and depression yada yada. Running away from everything made me feel like garbage running from the people I hurt and scorned feeling like that would make it better if I just left. but staying has been the best decision had ever made.  Looks like I can make good choices after all.. I should've written a disclaimer that this blog wouldnt be a ranting raving blog about me being sexually frustrated angry and discontent drowning in loneliness and angst But I already know that I'l be getting less views on this post than the lasts because I sound positive even though I have been getting Gang raped by period cramps this has been a pretty groovy journey, and I'm going to continue to be

Curse of the Swamp witch.

so lets begin a story about the ridiculous attrocity that i have begun to call a love life or lack there of. I am still begrudgingly single and the prospects that i do end up having strong feelings for are less then great.the loneliness of small town Tujunga is violently depressing and the sadness seeps into my bones.hope is the cruelest tool of all. the hope to leave. the hope to escape this Purgatory, the hope to love and be loved. the hope for friends who don't just use me as a free therapist. my tiny little heart continues to pour out hopes upon hopes.the worst phrase of all is "one day." or "maybe." or "next year." or "soon." I continue to cling to this thread that there is a way out of here if I work hard enough if I push hard enough, if I try. The sick part is I can't give up even though I want to. I wish I could be hopeless and leave all my dreams to die in the desert like Tujunga sun. it is basically like I am in a vaccum , drowning in eternal indifference.  and I have to go to work tomorrow and deal with these jerk offs who know everything except  how to treat people like human beings. it's a fucking zoo. I don't have much to write about today because all i am capable of is complaining. Maybe i'm just restless because my period is close at hand.I still cant shake the hope that one day I will claw my way out of here and I will be out of this desert hell and I will live some where where all the flowers aren't coming out of concrete and the air isn't hot and scratchy against my skin. I will be able to say that I had gotten away and that I was the one that got out.there is a way. I know there is.

Chapter 19:Garbage Pig People From Outer Space

Do you ever feel like your mood is going to ruin the rest of your day? Like this seething bubble of hatred is making it impossible to smile in people's faces and pretend that you care about their needs meanwhile you are basically a pimple on the ass of their day because the Customer is always right.customer service is kind of a drag because you get to see people's true nature. some people are kind and polite and gentle little cinnamon buns and the rest are garbage pig people. they leave trash everywhere, they make you feel stupid if you don't do things their way, men while expecting you to smile and nod like some sort of Android.   But other than that I'm just really happy having a job even though I want to move away still and live on my college campus but I can just take some classes and just commute. I really don't want to but i always end up getting into an argument with my mom about how I supposedly think that I am better than everyone else because I don't like taking the bus. when the real problem is I have no sense of direction and I would feel safer and more comfortable driving. I feel like my mom keeps making excuses to not let me move forward like this giant anchor holding down a ship. she wont show me how to drive, she makes excuses, she gets defensive when I talk about moving out. it's super fucking difficult.

 I went to this school in Santa Monica for a tour and I want to move out there and go to school out there and it would make my life so much easier, but I still have to take into consideration the cost of living, getting a job out there, dealing with my current job, paying for school getting a car ect ect ect. it just piles up and I get no fucking help i just get my ideas criticized. And on top of that I have been talking to this guy on base in North Carolina and he keeps bringing up me going out there to visit him and i caved and told him I would but I would have to calculate air fare cost of a room and all this other stuff that my skinny black ass cant afford, and I don't have any time off from my job because I don't have any seniority I tried to bring up him coming to see me instead but he had a shit ton of excuses. so basically I don't see this heading anywhere but I like him and I like talking to him but at the same time it;s super fucking inconvenient for me. I have all of these options to escape and none of he funds or the time to do it. This job is stealing my soul. I'm so mad Because he is like everything i had ever wanted in a guy. He's tall and goofy and he likes breakfast foods and he can cook. he talks shit and gets on my nerves he's just so fucking great.He's sweet, kind, honest, and he works super hard. he's a lot less aggressive than I am but then again who isn't? he's like Captain American to my Tony Stark.
And I cant go see him or touch him or do the sexy because he's in Fucking North Carolina and I'm stuck in the meth capital of Southern California bagging groceries for garbage pig people. It's like I have so many escape routes and options that i am over whelmed so i will end up stuck in the physical equivalent of purgatory until the day I die because I didn't take any risks and I played it safe like a little bitch.I try to stay positive I try to say to myself "Jade, by the end of this year it'll be totally different you can quit this job and go to school and sort everything out, and once you're in school you can visit captain america on your vacations and touch his cute little butt and kiss his face all you want just hold out 'til the end of the year." I still feel like a late bloomer. Like i'll be thirty by the time i graduate College and i will be behind on my life plan to be a kick ass graphic designer/ comic book author/ author and I will live in Hawaii and raise tiny fat baby tea cup pigs and on a little plot of land with my cute sexy hot live in boyfriend and everything will go according to plan.  and maybe some puppies too.

#No Filter

do you ever have that one person you like to talk to so much that you just say whatever comes to mind even if it might be like inappropriate? that person happens to be miles away in a base camp and I can't afford to go see him in person..And like i really like this guy, i even look at his horoscope stuff. I feel weird because I don't really believe in long distance relationships because they always fail. or you end up moving to another state and having to start all the way over. Even though I could really use a fresh start more than anything in the world.I mean I feel like a stereotypical rom com. just a girl from a small town who needs a fresh start.but i dont even know what i'm doing, I have no real direction, i'm just a lazy ass hole with a blog and above average self esteem, and a great sense of humor.i have a school tour scheduled for saturday morning and i am excited about that because i know for a fact that I don't want to be stuck working in customer service well into my fourties. i mean all my older co-workers always warn me like this place is quick sand and there is no real way out. come to find out season one of Sons Of Anarchy was shot here, now i understand why i get this feeling because it basically is Charming. 

 or Maybe i'm just really close to my period and i'm starting to feel trapped again as usual before my like once a month cry. Maybe i should do something stupid like run off just to hang out with some guy. lol hahahaahahah no i wouldnt do that because guys dont really last with me. i feel like a venus fly trap. they like me and they care for like a few months and then its like "Oh no, you are too agressive." "oh no you like to talk about my feelings." "oh no you dont like my faggy friends blah blah blah,you want to hang out with me and not spend money and just talk!? why do we always have to talk i could just spend some money on you and then stick my peen inside of one of your holes and not talk to you in a month or so.All i want to do is buy some dark lipstick and be sure about my goals and feelings and not be worried about if people are going to continue to like me after they get to know everythiung about me. i mean i tell almost everyone almost everything about me but then they leave because i am too much. I guess I'm just projecting my former insecurities and i should let loose and be a fun cool crazy girl and go do whatever and not care about the consequences. i feel so old. nothing is fun i am just this old boring old weenie.

Chapter 18:The Ghost Queen

often times I don't feel real, often times I don't know what to write about on this blog or in anything else. I am still very lonely but I must have faith that it can't rain all the time. I wish I wasn't real I wish I was the queen of a race of wild people and I didn't have to go to college or Art school, ii feel selfish because all i do on this blog is talk about myself and my bullshit problems, how my love life is going, or not going. right now it feels like its not going at all. I mean I deserve a good fuck and someone to eat breakfast with. it's funny when i felt like I didn't deserve love it came freely from almost everyone. when I didn't know what i wanted all the options were open. All I can think of is how people say these bullshit Hallmark lines when you are going through a dry spell."you'll find love when you stop looking for it." or "love comes when you least expect it." or even. "no one will love you if you don't love yourself." the last one i can tell you for a fact is not true, because only when i did not love myself was the option of romance open to me, when i was sad and insecure i had the most affection, now that I love myself I have never felt so alone. Now that i am stronger, now that i am aware of what i am worth no one is here. I have no one to share myself with. I'm bored with myself, always being enthralled with my own thoughts, whisping through other people's lives, not really existing, not really being non-existant.i feel like a tourist. weaving other people's dreams and memories, not really having any of my own that are actually worth anything. All i wanted was to be in love. I am not a good feminist icon or even a strong independent woman. i am disappointed in myself for having such a ridiculous obsession with love and being loved.  I've been feeling less like princess Tiana and more like Lotte.I feel like giving up the hope that there is more out there and I don't need to be sad or regret any of the decisions I have made. some times I'm afraid that my pride is stronger than my need to be loved and I'd rather die lonely and unfulfilled than to crawl back on my belly to the past simply for companionship. But the same can be said for others. So I should get used to this feeling and continue on being a proud lonely bitch.  i wish i could just run away and be ferell. everyone else can ditch their responsibilities except for me. my father gave up being a father, friends of mine are taken care of by their parents, living off of them. yet i am here working and writing and calling colleges, i know it'll pay off but i get so damn tired. I want to live free, I dont want to be botehred with bank statements and debts and financial aid. i hate everything, I hate registratin fees and i hate having to do it myself. I want to run off with some wonderful barbarian king and become a Goddess. this is all just me whining but right now because i have to work until 10 today, and deal with customers all day telling me how they want things and how ui need to do my job since they obviously all know what its like to start from the bottom of the barrel since i am dealing with middle aged white folks and elderly armenian people. wish me luck,

The Long Ass Ride

I have like zero fucking time for anything. I bought that fucking book The Longest Ride and I have no time to read it. but at the same time it's a little basic. the thing is it's so vanilla I don't even know what to do with myself. I'm  but like something drew me to read this like some fucking cosmic pull dragged my black ass to read this vanilla ice cream cone that the media is making into a movie. 

But I am a sucker and a bit of a romantic so I bought this shit, and I am going to see the movie and watch Scott Eastwood ride bulls for like an hour and some change, Cause I mean look at that face, him and his fine ass in tight cow boy jeans. hmph...cowboy jeans...anyway so I've been working a lot and I am still broke because I need to pay people money and save for a car, because walking to work makes my legs hurt and i already spend all day on my feet bagging people's crap and looking into their dead eyes while I fumble along with ready make mac n cheese and Greek yogurt. just kidding all the customers are actually really sweet and they make me feel like I am a grocery angel.  Every body is so fucking nice to me. and I have been winked at by like a thousand old men which is weird but its cute because i mean their close to death might as well let them wink and give me compliments.even though I'd rather have Scott Eastwood wink at me.  Oh my god! but yeah I like my job, but sometimes I get this horrible crawling fear that I will end up working there until I die and that i have to do something really really great with my life so I can rub it in the face of my ex boyfriend and my ex friends from high school. that's petty right? yeah I know, I'm not perfect and I know for a fact that I'm not mature. I just don't want to work at a hinky store for the rest of my life. it's weird I have a bunch of dreams and aspirations and I force myself to work really hard.I did some financial aid paper work and I decided on going to Community college and then Transferring to a UC then hopefully I'll get real feedback on my writtings. If I actually have time to write. and all the free time I get I don't want to write because I'm working on third drafts of old stories that I'm tired of because I've tried to submit them and I want to give up. It's just a steady spiral into bullshit and writers block Oh and Since I used a Cinderella gif, I wanted to let everyone know I cant wait until it comes out on DVD so I can watch it on repeat and pray for my prince that doesn't smoke a lot, respects his mom and has a job. fingers crossed lol. God knows it didn't work last time.