Things I Have Learned

I learned not to regret anything during the course of this year. things that suck, problems I've had. I wouldn't trade any of it for the world. And even though what hurt me the most was losing Goat Man, I'm glad that i had the chance to meet him. I feel like i needed to meet him to learn, i didn't want to learn it the way that i did but  I learned it anyway. He'll always be a good memory/ a great memory. I have come to realize that people need pain in their lives to realize who they are supposed to be. Goat Man encouraged me to do more, to be myself and to find the version of myself that made me shine the most. I hope next year everyone that reads this blog finds something that makes them feel that way, something that makes them feel alive. Whether it be a new lover, new friends, old friends you don't talk to, a new job, a promotion, a pet an adventure. Whatever it is that challenges you and makes you feel like you will never stop working and trying until you get to where you want to be.

I learned that the best person you can ever meet is yourself. It might sound like stupid cliche new years bullshit or a hallmark card about finding yourself but i don't care. and if you have a problem with it don't read my blog. I felt like i had no control over a lot of things in my life and going from family drama to therapy to losing friends and blaming myself, but when i actually had the chance to be just alone I noticed that I was AWESOME.I learned that you don't have to feel bad about being alone during the holidays or new years. I learned that you should stop setting goals that put you down. you don't have to lose weight just because the new year started, unless you want to but we all know you will work out for the first week or so and then get caught up in actually having a life and not being a fitness nut. this year all my goals are sort of just about getting my life started. I still have to find a real job (that pays by the hour) and I still have to get my book published.
set new years resolutions toward following your dreams and doing something exciting. kiss a stranger on new years if you're single. Go somewhere you've never been before next year. stay positive and accept your body next year. tell yourself that your body is the most beautiful body you could ever have, whether your former resolution is gaining or losing weight it doesn't matter. someone wont kick you out of their bedroom because you are too skinny or plus sized. and if they do, they're a Cunt with a capitol C. Challenge yourself. DO something worth doing. And don't make my mistake; when you meet someone that makes you want to become a better person and makes you feel like you are immortal, never let them go.

                           
                                                                   

Happy Fucking New Year.

I know i have been inactive a lot the last few weeks, but the end of this year hasn't been very pleasant. I try really hard to keep my personal life and my blog in two different areanas but now I just don't care. My adsence application was denied so i am not getting paid for my blog posts, my boyfriend Goat Man dumped me, and the Grandmother from hell moved in and started fucking up the whole vibe in my home. she was only supposed to be living with us for a month but her and my mom decided the wanted to uproot me and my life and move out to Northridge, where I was born. I know I don't have a lot going for my any more in Sunland since my high school friends and I had a falling out when I met Goat man, which is not a bros before hoes situation either. a friend of mine had a crush on me and started to act weird once I had gotten a boyfriend and it was just a whole lot of fucking drama. But basically all I had left was him. so basically now if I stay in Sunland I will be living alone in a one bedroom apartment that costs way too much and I still haven't found a good job even though I have gone on COUNTLESS job interviews.

But if I move with my mom and Grandmonster I will be in a continuous state of discomfort and loathing even though I tried really hard to get used to her and like her she still turned out to suck. so i will probably have to place fucking ads on craigslist so I can get a roommate to help me pay for the apartment, but i will finally be alone and no longer subject to vehement hatred and tension in my home. it just seemed like my entire life so far has been a catch twenty-two. everything is terrible no matter which way I look and I know that sounds angsty but that's how i feel. now i am doing this house sitting gig for my ex's family but my ex still ignores me most of the time and makes me feel dumb when I do talk to him, but that had been the tenor of most of our relationship. I try to help, try to fix things, try to give him advice but no I'm still the immature one and I am the one that needs to 'work on myself." because no matter what i'm still doing something wrong or i'm not good enough. to that i say FUCK THAT.

Not trying to toot my own horn, but i was a pretty damn awesome girlfriend, and a pretty reasonable ex girlfriend.But apparently still not up to fucking par. this is probably going to get flagged because I am cursing and I still wont qualify for adsense because i don't MEET THE REQUIREMENTS. I am fucking awesome and I deserve better from next year. I'm tired of my life not being in my control, I'm tired of getting fucked over by people I trust and admire. 2014 gets the fucking finger! i worked so hard and got shit on in every fucking directions. the best part of this year was getting the house sitting gig so I could avoid all the shitty problems in my home life.

Don't get me wrong the beginning of my relationship was totally awesome and I had a lot of fun. But right now i am just totally pissed and everything is just festering because I cant hold my own in real arguements without crying like a little bitch because I thought this would be the one person that I didn't have to fight with and that everything would be forgiven and we would accept each other because I risked a lot to date him and it still blew up in my face. I'm just so tired of things falling apart because i work really hard to stay sane and to contribute to society and my fucking book. but i guess I still need to harder!

                                                                                              HAPPY NEW YEARS EVERYBODY

18 years a slave

I have never felt unequal to anyone regardless of sex, or race because in my heart I have seen myself to be my own person. Regardless of what class I belong to I have something that some people may never have in their lives and that is fight. If you have fight in your heart no one will ever be able to break you no matter how strong they maybe. But some people seem to misunderstand fight for animosity or anger. Fighting for what you believe in takes more than words it takes action. If you believe in honor, love, equality you have to do something you can't just sit around talking about it and making people angry. I had a teacher who used to provoke the feminists in my class with how many inequalities lay in wait for them in the real world she used to try to get me to become angry at things white people had done to my people. But there was only empty words that lacked follow through being strewn about carelessly into the void of teen minds. There are things that make me angry of course but those things I take the time to fight them slowly but surely knowing that one day those things won't be there to upset anyone any more. Nobody will benefit from anger if it isn't channeled in a productive way. That's all. Posts have been pretty deep lately. Either deep or just the ramblings of a hippie. Whatever you choose to call it is up to you.

Hating on Animals?

So apparently there is a big deal over maroon 5's song Animals.  Where Adam levine (the only member who's name we all actually know) plays a creepy psycho stalker that works in a Butcher shop that stalks and bothers this pretty model then they have steaming hot Adam sex in pints of blood (a little vampirism, sexy! Jk) but this isn't the first time men have done something creepy in media ie music & television.  Whether it is Blurred lines or Psycho by Alfred Hitchcock where a young man butchers young pretty women because they gave him sex feelings that would upset Mother. I don't see why it's a big deal. Maybe it's because they fuck in the blood? But that's obviously a portrayal of the creep's fantasy not how the video actually ends. I see how it can be upsetting because once something gets mainstream it's mistaken as glorification of something horrible rather than being an art form. Some people are just kind of weak in the brain if after watching the video they decide it's okay to stalk women they probably thought about it before this video was even made. So before you get angry just think about ever single home invasion, torture port movie you've watched and get angry about that as well.

American Sexual Repression (part 1)

Okay so I'm watching the celeb gossip news and they did a feature on Raven Simone and they didn't talk about the work she was doing, they didn't talk about how she is or what led to her success they just ended up talking about her having a relationship with a woman. Now she answered the questions with something I really clicked with and that was "I don't want to be labeled as 'gay' I want to be labeled as a human who likes humans. " that's basically all that it should be instead of magnifying the fact that her lover isn't a man. And the whole thing that bugged was that other entertainment people were like "oh she didn't officially come out." But it's like no body has to tell anyone their business if they don't want to and she is a very private individual so what did you expect.  People having to identify themselves only ends up creating division and then makes people only looked at by their orientation.  The only thing that truly matters is if that person is OK with themselves and they are honest with their lover. Everyone goes through a journey of sexual self discovery no matter the orientation.  I prefer a certain type of person. Most women have some kind of criteria some men as well. It's all about what you like it's not about the world. If we just backed off of the whole sexuality of the whole thing we'd be much happier. I want to be able to live without labels because labels don't last. Someone who labels themselves as straight for many years can come out and turn out to be gay someone who labels themselves as gay for many years might be straight and sometimes someone can label themselves as asexual and then become romantically or sensually involved with a man/woman.  I don't care if someone has a FrickFricken alligator toe between their legs people are too worked up about what to call themselves or other people they just end up making it a big ol' mess.

Surprise bitch

I opened an etsy shop
Email me or comment requests for what you would buy or what you want to see its primarily going to be an art store so check it out
Email: longjade93@yahoo.com

Success?

Do you ever think of how success effects people? Besides the journey to a career goal what happens?  Do you keep your soul? Do you stay with the person who encouraged you or do you lose them too? I'm worried about success. I have found Zen in my humble state but what if all of that is washed away? I've been thinking about that for a while. I don't know why I just feel like everything has a price and no good really comes without me getting hurt in some way. It's sad really.  But that's all that's been going on.  I'm not sure if I would be able to handle losing the things that kept going. But most times I don't feel like I can handle anything.

Dead as a doornail

I am totally in love with Eric the vampire.  And usually I don't really prefer the cold blooded living dead. But he is a tall viking of sex. He doesn't remember what happened with sookie in dead to the world and he's all in her grill. Bill has been trying to make sookie jealous with some rando skank that thinks she's better than everyone else. There are still so many twists and turns and this book review is out of order so far from my usual linear way of thinking but yall can forgive me. Thank you guys so much for reading and checking out my blog.  That's it for tonight though my little creeps.

Definitely dead(sookie Stackhouse)

Definately Dead was the most interesting because it's more about vampire hierarchy but it was boring because of the lack of Sex lol . No more bill and no more Eric just sookie.  I am disappointed in bill because he went from being one of my favorite vampires to just this pitiful creepy ex-boyfriend. Sookie is being a bad as telekinetic mofo and the books are still hard to put down. There are more witches and I like that. They introduced another piece of man meat I.e. Quinn the weretiger. Sometimes I feel like there are way too many creatures. But at the same time she keeps it walking on this fine line between sloppy and imaginative. Overall 7-10. The only thing i have a problem with is that she always talks about things the reader already knows since I have the whole set I really don't need the flash backs.

Scandal season premier review

Okay first of all book reviews 5-7 will be up In a few days sorry I fell behind I was busy working on my book! Yes it is almost finished I'm sorry I left you guys but let's just talk about scandal.  Okay first of all Jake & Olivia my new favorite couple I know it's going to get messed with by Fitz though. Like that's a given.
The gladiators are a hot mess and huck is now a creepy tech support guy instead of a creepy hired murderer. All the gladiators are doing separate things but I don't know what baby huck (aka that brunette I don't care for) I'm not sure what's she's doing now. The episode was tame but it was obviously very girl power since the whole premace of Olivia's first case was to protect another woman who claimed to be sexually assaulted and the background argument was the fact that women still don't make the same amount of money as men in the work place. Fitz and his wife...A hot ass mess they need to not be together but at the same time they kind of need each other since they have so many skeletons in their closets. Good premier but I expected better it was engaging but there was something lacking. But I mean I've been marathoning ash for some time so my brain is stuck on the shock and awe setting.  Tell me your thoughts in the comments.

Dead to the world (book 4)

Book for is a hot mess. So much is going on and the pace is spectacular. It has this amount of charm and balancing the damsel affect with her being witty and smart. I ship sookie & Eric I really do but I still have yet to finish the books. I'm pretty sure you guys watch the show and all I have to say is shame on you because the books are so much better. But isn't that true all the time.

Club dead book review (sookie Stackhouse series)

Club Dead is book 3 in the series and it isn't as impressive as book 1 or 2. It starts very slow and bill is no longer in the picture (sigh) and sookie needs to find her missing and unfaithful vampire. She's paired up with  Alcide who in the television series is played by Joe Manganello from magic mike. The character Alcide is very plain and sort of dull. It's hard to see him as desirable because he is so boring. I mean Even his home is a "Symphony of beige." Literally. But things heat up because Eric the world's most suave vampire shows up yet again to make sookie and the reader sexually frustrated. They end up at this super gay mansion like it's ran by the gay vampire equivalent of Hugh Hefner oh its so great I loved it. And there is this character called Curly who in my mind I pictured as prince. Even though he is very straight.  It was still enjoyable just not as enjoyable as the first two. I give Club Dead probably a 7-10.

Living dead in Dallas (book 2 Sookie Stackhouse series)

Okay so the second book, I really love the cover art it's super cute and simple it's just so great. The book starts with Bill and Sookie's relationship.  It's very grounded and almost normal despite the fact that he's a civil war aged vampire. her friend Lafayette was found murdered and naked in the back seat of the local police chief's car. In order to find this out bill and Sookie end up on the way to meet up with the other vampires in fangtasia sookie is attacked by a minad an (ancient demi goddess that feeds off of pride and lust.) Then they have to save Sookie. I'm not going to give away too much more because a lot of people hate spoilers even though this book has been out forever. But anyway how I feel about this book is the writing is fast paced and the story continues to move there aren't a lot of dull parts. I like the character development especially the development of bill and sookie's relationship. I know I already mentioned it but I love it so much like I fan girl really hard about them. And the sex scenes in this book are so intense I had tingles for like 3 chapters afterwards.  They aren't scummy or badly written.  However there is too much random love dilemmas like there is Eric the vampire who is a total sex magnet who just wants the goodies from sookie. And then there is a werewolf who is the owner of the bar that sookie works at. Or the fact that all the vampires that Sookie meets are head over heels in love with her and Bill always has to steak his claim. It sort of gets old after a while because she's like property and they are passing her around. The other thing I have a problem with is that the previous book or the problem is always repeated.  But yeah over all its a good series and of you like supernatural stuff you'll like these books. I just wish that there could be a werewolf series that was this good.  Sometimes werewolf series end up just being boring and the girl is always dating the alpha or something they end up making the protagonist all series and angry because apparently all werewolves have anger issues. But I would too if all the books about me sucked.

Dead before dark book review (Sookie Stackhouse series)

Okay so you guys already know I'm into the spookier side of things so I ended up finding these books that the TV series true blood was based off of. I was interested in watching the show but I couldn't find it online so I found the audio book for the first of 12 in the series called dead before dark the sookie Stackhouse series.  And these books are pretty good. I mean the audio book is about 8-9 hours long and I finished it before I  went to bed the day I listened to it. I love the characters. Especially sookie because she's the first protagonist I have read about that felt like a normal person. Instead of whiny blank faced bella or stoic and hard core katniss or even doe eyed tris. She had a sense of humor that didn't feel forced and it was at the point where I wanted to read about her life. And bill the main love interest this vampire who was around during the civil war and he's the only one who sookie can't read his mind because she's a telepath it's romantic but I feel like the twilight author read this book and tried to make a shitty fan fiction that turned into three movies of Robert Pattinson looking constipated.  Because a lot of things are very similar.  But other than that this book has some pretty awesome see scenes. And I rarely read mainstream books with sex but they did it right in this book. My only real complaint is that the audible recording on YouTube was out of order.

SOA premier talk

Spoiler alert tonight's episode was brrrruuuuutaaaal!!! Okay so it starts off all crazy with Jax carving this swastika into this dude right and random clips of Jemma being all good granny which she is definitely not. And then the junky  is back in the show most likely a permanent character since Tara is gone and Jemma will be as well be once Jax ultimate finds out she's the killer of his wife. But jax is the darkest he's ever been and it's insane. Juice is at the junky's house and I think they'll be a couple at one point maybe not. Probably a one night deal but jemma has roped someone else into her lie and  rerouted Jax's rage onto someone else. The episodes ending is so sad and just the whole season is going to be so gloomy and bloody. I can't wait which sounds sick but I really cant. Oh and I really ship Nero and jemma. Anyway that's all I have to say about it without Giving too much else away. For the rest of this fall Tuesday will be specifically for wearing my S.O.A sweat pants and eating Nutella out of the container.

Book reviews and SOA premier talk

So I have been reading the sookie Stackhouse series aka the true blood series like the show on hbo that's been on since 2009 but the books....The books are so fun to read. I have already read two of them and my mom ordered the rest for me on ebay. But it is hard for me to find books and movies that I really like I happened to be very picky when it comes to books. But the sookie Stackhouse series has a lot of spirit and soul. It's fun and sookie Is really down to earth so it's easy to read about her and get sucked into the world she lives in. And her vampire bill SO CUTE.  He is my favorite male character even though he has kind of a dry character he's sweet and sexy and I couldn't imagine a better male love intrest. So I'm going to post two reviews besides this short summary of one. And I'm going to be reviewing the season premier of sons of anarchy on Fox tonight. That post will probably be going up at like three in the morning or something ridiculous.  I'm not sure if it's the moon's fault but sleeping has been hard and I have been emotional.  So I tend to stay up way into the next day and sleep until the afternoon.  So Keep posted.

#ootd

I think I might've found my calling I've made about 7 outfits already

Didn't work out

So the job I'd been raving about fell through because of paperwork complications but I'll never give up. I am going to be applying at some more jobs maybe Starbucks or target one of those places. But if those jobs Don't work out I'll end up working with Goat man at the groomers which is a worst case scenario because I barely tolerate him teaching me how to play video games I'm not sure if I'll like being told how to do my job from my significant other.  But other than that I signed up for a polyvore so this blog will not only be me ranting about my life to anyone who listens because I'm an entitled little shit. But I'll actually have something worth while up here.

I might've messed up

I missed the deadline for my Cal grant so I will probably be taking a year off from going to school which is okay I guess but I kind of have no real direction. I'm going to have to fill in all this stuff and upload my (just okay) portfolio and type up an essay about what piece of art influenced me the most and I finally know what that piece of art is but I was really tempted to write about Goat man. To that my councilors would've scoffed and rolled their eyes because they are cynical adults who probably see people who seem to be soooo very in love but by the end of the first year have had several different partners of each sex and are single and estranged from their high school lover. I don't know when people became so jaded toward young relationships but it might've been around the same time people stopped caring once you start talking about God. My first day of work is at noon and I still can't manage to fall asleep. I hope I can wake up so u can catch my bus. I keep debating whether or not to wear my running shoes since I will be walking all day. Or to just wear vans so so I don't look like a a goober. I hope I do well in this job. I hope that I can be a good worker and get paid quickly. I want to save up so I can get my hair braided so I can protect it during the fall and winter months. Because I despise styling wet hair during the winter it's just plain gross. I wonder what it'll be like meeting all these new people.  I hope I don't choke up and just sit there like a mute native chief staring at people waiting for them to talk to me , which they won't because they're too freaked out that I'm watching them like a hawk. It doesn't help that I have resting butch face. I guess we'll just have to see how this goes .

Hormonal heart burn

My chest burns and I have a lot of work around the house to do. I bought two new pairs of pants and I bought a cardigan. I hate getting heart burn. It's so bothersome but my lady time is over that's a plus. I can't wait until work starts it's so exciting.  I will finally be put of the house doing things instead of being a crazy recluse hiding from the outside world. I might go for a walk tomorrow. I won't be able to see goat man but I'm not sure what days I have to work and what days I have off. I need to do art school stuff but I'm not sure what to write about for my essay. Do movies count as pieces of art? Could I write my essay about that. I don't really have a favorite piece of art. I mean I like this one picture a lot by Becky cloonan (not sure if I spelled her name right) but I could write about that. All the art pieces I like are about love and couples and kissing and junk. All the smooches!!! I should right about love and gushy stuff. I like that kind of stuff it warms the little lump of coal that I have sitting in my chest cavity. What are some of your favorite pieces of art. You guys should comment and let me know

Work place hairstyles

So I'm following up on the last blog with hair inspiration for those of you going back to work and school.
Natural hair is difficult enough but it's also hard to always use the same hairstyles . 
Try something new and fun this year.

These will also prove to be useful protective styles for the future unpredictable weather. And with the cooler months rolling in there's nothing better for natural hair than good protective styling.

Omg

I'm dying I am seriously craving macaroons and maybe tea. I finally got Called back for the job which is a blessing and a curse because I can't fill out the paperwork on the website and sons of anarchy is on Tuesday night. I'm not sure if I'll be able to watch it hopefully I can see it on Wednesday when they replay it so I can review it for you guys if I do have any readers that actually care about sons of anarchy as much as I do! It's going to be a cool week. A new job a new season of my favorite show. God I really want macaroons. I'm so excited to finally start up in life. I guess complaining pays off. (Just kidding).
All I hope is that I can be a good employee and keep the job. I hope I do well and stay out if trouble.  Maybe I'll meet some friends! Oh this is awesome! I'm going to need to have a hairstyle that doesn't call too much attention though that's going to be the hardest part of working is feeling out a new environment with natural hair. That'll be another topic though.  I might have to post the best natural hairstyles for a career girl. (Lol). Good night you guys ;D

What happened was...

So I walked and bussed down to glendale for my interview. I feel like I was doing good I made myself look a little stupid but in all it felt like speed dating.  Like me trying to impress someone with my personality.  It was about an hour long and then i had to walk to find a southbound bus so I could get home and it was super crowded and I was smashed between people and it was a hot mess. At least I got some kind of excersize though but my legs are going to be more fit than the rest of my body.

But being jobless and not having anything to do or contribute to society has been making me really depressed and lethargic.  I'm starting to feel hopeless. Like I'm this useless thing that always gets taken care of by everyone else. I'm not even going back to school yet.

Wish me luck you guys. I hope i get a job at least before September is over.

So excited

Finally got called back for a job and I am so stoked.  I'm just really nervous I don't want anything to go wrong tomorrow.  I feel like I have bubble guts. Hopefully it's not food poisoning from this weird sausage. I hope to god its not that I want everything to run smoothly. I don't even know what to do with my hair or anything.  I'm so flustered. Should I have a low gelled back ponytail or should I have it up in sophisticated milk maid braids. I don't know what to do. Being a girl is hard work. At least I already have an outfit. I'll probably take pics of it tomorrow before I go. 

Why? !

Today was fucking ridiculous everyone was such a cunt to me after I got home. First I went to the local library to scan my artwork to start my portfolio they didn't have a scanner. Then some fucking kids stole the bathroom key and we're fucking laughing at me like "oh yeah fucking with someone's bowel schedule in public is fucking hilarious! " and then i went next door to the vons and went to the bathroom,  then I fucking asked for food at the counter and the chick gave me so much attitude like her job is so important that she can just cunt around all day. Then I bought a meal somewhere else and it was overpriced as shit! And some fucker took out my laundry and put it ontop of the machines. So I opened their dryer and got their shit stuck in the door. It was worth it. It felt good . Other than that I had like a lovely morning I woke up to Goat man being a sweet angel baby and talking to me for a while before he went to work and then I had breakfast with his grandma. It was so nice.  She's a sweet lady. But I wasted a good outfit on people being mean for the rest of the day >:(.

Okay

So the job thing was a bummer. There are two other people who are ahead of me with the application process. I walked all the way to Starbucks and read this poetry book one of my teachers gave me before the semester ended called 'Kinky' it was okay because she was trying to meet my persona. It was cool since it went through like the life journey of a modern feminst woman using barbie as a surrogate. Needless to say it didnt meet my persona. It was a good read don't get me wrong but it's message didn't agree with me. I'm not sure if I'll just end up pissing off the only people that actually read this spew that comes out of my head but why does the modern woman hate men so much? Men aren't the enemy.  Society is the enemy.  They're so busy pushing people against each other man versus woman. White versus black. Black versus Mexican. American versus foreign.  But the whole point is that we have opposites. Water was created as well as fire. They are neither superior nor inferior to one another they are equally powerful elements that exist in the same stream of time and space. In life what is good to you may be bad to someone else.  It's useless to make a victim or a criminal in a Grey world. Society is trying to keep this clean cut right and wrong aspect when they refuse the chaos of there is no right or wrong there are just choices. Life is messy. You choose to be the victim or the villains. Blaming one type of person for your weakness doesn't make anyone stronger I would know. Comment if you guys agree or disagree :D.  I'm going to be scanning my art portfolio tomorrow staying busy as always.  I'm glad you guys read my blog and I have an outlet for my random word spew.

Guess what

I might be getting a job. It seems like the months of me chronically complaining about not having a job or having anything to do is paying off.  I feel like a Disney Princess all the time just stuck with my cats and shit all day cleaning.  I sort of feel like Disney was just conditioning girls to being stay at home moms. I mean everyone knows this already. But all the Disney Princess' 1) don't have any friends,  unless it's a family member or some magical creature that helps them get a man 2)just sit around cleaning and talking to animals 3)only really go out into the world when the prince shows up.
Totally random but it makes sense. Except princess tiana she had a job and Merida was just a fucking boss. But besides that it's pretty much the same. Lest we forget queen elsa and her giant temper tantrum for having terrible parents who repressed their daughter and then boom! Forcing her sister to find her and meet kristoff. But for the most part up until princess on the frog it's all been the same even tangled has the same basic plot. Some dude takes you out into the world and teaches you how to live.  That's not cool. But anyway,  I'm going to be going to talk to the hiring manager tomorrow and I am kind of confused whether I should build myself up and tell myself it's going to be wonderful and then it fails and I don't get the job or talk myself down and it be awesome , because right now I'm feeling sort of neutral I don't see it going positively or negatively at this point. All I can really think of is the fact that I have to walk myself up there in 90 degree weather and then be all sweaty and desperate talking to the manager. Then dick around the city for a while because Goat man is going to take me home since he works in the same area. So it's just going to be a reverse of driving miss Daisy when I do get the job since where he works is only like an extra ten minutes away.

Biker bitch (S.O.A will return) WARNING LOADS OF SPOILERS.

I am so happy and excited to announce that season seven of sons of anarchy is on its way. Things have been pretty bleak but my show is coming back I'm still not sure how I feel about Tara ' s death in season 6 because Jax lost his soul mate. And i am one of those really romantic chicks and I take that really seriously.  But I'm so curious to what the future will hold for the club. Will there be more dramatic deaths? How is Gemma going to deal with that relationship with Unser (which is GAG WORTHY) but yeah how's it going to play out? What's going to happen with mr. Sexy-fine aka Nero? And how crazy is Jax going to be this season?  He looked to be extremely intense during the preview he pretty much has this whole "I've got nothing else to lose since I lost the woman of my dreams." attitude.  And even Charlie Hunnam said "Jax is in a very skitzophernic state." Most likely harboring a need for vengeance and deep sorrow. But the real question I have is what's going on with Wendy?  Is she going to get the boys? Because most of season five was her weak ass bringing up custody,  maybe she'll end up getting what she wanted. My predictions are; Jax might die, Wendy gets the boys,  and in his rage Jax might kill Gemma because tara did say in season 4 that Jax would kill Gemma if he found out about the John teller letters talking about Gemma being involved in his death.  But we'll see oh i can't wait until September!

Don't be a little bitch

I went for a walk today to clear my brain hole. I found this gem, I found a pokemon card!  Lol.

Besides that I've been working on random projects like these shoes I decided to spookify and add some spider webs. I also started on another fruit collage for Halloween.  She's turning out pretty good accept for little things I fucked up on. I decided to use nail polish to color her in and it was cooler than I thought it would turn out.  Trying new mediums is always fun to me. I have been skipping back and forth between things I'm working on to keep my head busy. And to feel more productive than someone who just sits on their ass all day. That's how I've been feeling lately so I got the shop back together.  The book I've been working in is on its 12th chapter I think it's going to be about 30 chapters finished product. 

Hey you guise!!!

I keep disappearing hahah. It's not like I have better things to do I have just been somewhat lacking in motivation.  My portfolio sucks and I have no inspiration because all I keep drawing is Goat man or myself or doodles of original characters. I have been drawing big pieces I drew a new piece for a contest that I'll probably lose. And I've put my writing to the side as well because of writers block and spooking myself. I can't seem to do anything.  I can't even get a job because everyone is like "oh apply online." Then they're like "Maybe you should go to the Job and ask for an application. " "how about Craigslist. " "did you go on Craigslist yet?" "When are you gonna apply for the community classes?" "You need to get outside. " then I just end up being a recluse and disappearing into writing or drawing or something to run away from my responsibilities.  And feeling a shitty because I do almost nothing all the time and stare at my cats and clean house. I feel like a house wife & I feel like a mistress because Goat man has a real job while I spend most of my time keeping myself pretty until he comes over because I have nothing better to do. I hate it when I get like this cause then I just get really mopey and counter productive.  And I'm broke so I can't pay for dates or nice things. I feel like a child.  I thought you were supposed to relax in the summer. This is my last summer to not have a regular job and instead of living it up and having fun I just feel like a leech. A very charming, very talented leech.

Feels

I feel like it is hard for me to have faith in things because I have put my faith in things that don't work out. I've seen futures that never came true. So many things I hoped for and visualized until now. Where I seem to visualize nothing but pain because if I see it it wont happen. It's odd how things turn out. I feel like I care so much about my relationships now with people and before it didn't really matter. I've been hurt and shunned and still have the ability to forgive and care for those who don't deserve it but to those who do I'm like a child my priorities have been drowned by doubt and fear. I don't really know what to hope for. All I hope for is that I'm still breathing tomorrow.  I've tried praying for things, yet God seems to ignore me. Even when I was deeply religious he still didn't show me what I was looking for.  And now all I can see as a certainty is a negative out come. I guess that's the only certainty of life. A negative outcome. I wish I was care free and nothing ever bothered me but in truth besides my humorous disguise I'm as fragile as a tomato. Maybe I'll be strong one day. Hopefully that day comes sooner.

Can there ever really be a black female protagonist

I know this isn't the usual crap I spurt about my life but I want to express something. 
Why is it that black female characters are either tragic helpless victims. Hateful vixens or a babies mama. Don't get me wrong there are many movies like the movie "something new" or "about last night." Even the Steve Harvey book based movie "think like a man." Where black women are actually portrayed as being desirable, fun, and quirky with Witt and a sense of humor.  But in supernatural dramas they are often stripped of femininity.  Like Hemlock grove for example and the only strong tough hard core black lady is a lesbian who treats the women she's with like trash, but the main love interest is the ethereal Letha Godfrey who is blonde, quiet, and white the ideal picture of flowery feminine bullshit.  Why is it that you can't be tough and be desirable without being a cold and humor less robot? Why can't you be soft and feminine without surrendering the ability to be strong.? Why does it seem like men can't write female characters without missing dimensions? It's like the character has enough to not be 2D but then they stop at 3D like oh well.
I'm so sick of stereotyping characters as well. A lesbian protagonist doesn't have to be manly or butch and treat women like a man does. And the protagonist of a heterosexual love story doesn't always have to be a glorified fucking saint.it seems like the same archetypes are used over and over again. Why can't there be interracial supernatural plots without them tiptoeing around black culture like it doesn't exist? Do you have to be completely white washed to be acceptable for an audience to love you? Because If that's the case we might as well still be reading Uncle Tom's fucking cabin! I'm a little pissed that writers can make multidimensional characters for pretty white women but the same stale roles are handed out to black actresses everyday. The wise black lady who is usually old and fat basically a mamie type figure. The sassy angry black woman who regardless of physical attractiveness is pushed aside because of her attitude.  And then the best friend.  Basically a sound board for white people's problems without really having anything better to do then make their lives easier.  Then there's the hard core bitch who is either hated in most of the movie, not to get any attention from men, and is stripped of being acknowledged as a female in general. This shit makes me upset. Smart People need to get their shit together and figure out a way to get outside of this shitty bubble without it just being a show on YouTube .
Goodnight readers

I can't even

Everything seems to get slower and slower and when I ignore it so I can at least try to enjoy the tiny bit of summer I have I end up having conversations about  how I don't have a job. I really want to work and I really do wish I was like my friends and my boyfriend because they have jobs and they can drive. But I don't have any of that. I hate being a late bloomer. I was late when everyone hit the stage in puberty where you get automatically cute. I was late on dating. Everything! I feel like I wrote about this before. It just irks me because I don't like being unproductive and broke. I feel like a scrub (that TLC song about not wanting a broke lover) anyway I don't feel like an adult yet. I feel like a lazy teen and everyone else is all grown up.

Sleep deprived

So pretty obvious due to the title I'm lacking sleep my neck hurts and my stupid anxious brain is going a mile a minute . so here I am eating peanut butter & honey sitting waiting for Netflix to load thinking of all my life choices.the friend that visited me is a long time friend  which I mentioned in 'Chubbs McGee' yesterdays post about my weight gain she stayed over and we talked like hens all through the wee hours of the morning. I didn't sleep well that night and I slept weird causing the neck discomfort I'm expericing now. Now I'm just emotionally exhausted and too excited for tomorrow to even give sleep a fighting chance. Weird how that works all day I was on the verge of napping and now when I need to I cant . funny how that works. And what little weight I did lose walking and shit I gained it all back thanks to Chinese food and popsicles. I can't even track if I made any progress since we ( mom & I ) don't have a scale in the apartment. Maybe I shouldn't stress. The weight should fall off evenly and hopefully in the fall I'll be back down to my previous size. I don't really eat much during the fall, usually I'm too lazy or too cold to try to feed myself. Last year I was depressed so that helped. Hopefully you guys reading are having a better night than I am.

Chubbs Mcgee

I'm off of birth control bow and I have about 20lbs to lose since the pill makes you want to eat even if you're full. My mom says the weight should shed off naturally as my hormones rebalance. Fingers crossed. I don't like being above a certain weight range since the women in my family usually end up being plus sized it makes me nervous. I know there isn't anything wrong with being plus sized its just not for me. Its not the path that I want I'm very vain and I like looking a certain way. The funny part though is I thought I was doing fine on the pull. I was even hoping that I was losing weight. But I wasn't. Maybe with all the walking and crap I started doing while Goat man is working should pay off . I'm going to see one of my best friends today maybe we'll end up going to walk to the icecream place near my house. Counter productive right? I know ... ��

So...

I haven't really posted in a while but I don't really have a good excuse for why. I've been at home doing almost nothing. I haven't worked on a lot of art for my portfolio but I have started writing which is okay I guess. I'm still on the hunt for the art work to write about in my essay. I'm gonna go to the art museum soon hopefully. I really feel mediocre and I'm starting to doubt how good my art work is. I dont really know why I just don't feel like anything is good enough at this point. I guess its the pressure of wrangling your best works for someone to look at and dissect that's making me nervous. I haven't found a job and everything is in sleep mode in my life right now. No work. No outings unless its a family affair at least. I'm going to two doctors appointments one Friday the other on Saturday. Other than that the life of Jade is pretty slow moving. One of the skirts I ordered on eBay came in today and I washed it and now its in the dryer its one of those cute skater skirts I ordered like four I've been kind of an eBay whore for a little while.

I've been on this little self exploration thing lately. Y'know rediscovering who I was supposed to be like what I like to wear , what I like to listen to, what I like to watch, I'm going back to the basics of me instead of doing what other people want me to do or wear . I want to be comfortable in my skin and then only then can I truly be the best friend , the best lover, and the best all around person. That's what really matters getting to know yourself before becoming someone you don't even want to be.

You just gotta love life and love yourself and be happy .

New pieces

Expensive

I've been looking at more art supplies online like professional grade markers and stuff and they are hella expensive. Its so sad looking at them on the internet longing to have them. I could've gotten some for free but the person wouldn't part with them even though they are no longer being used. It sucks. But I mean its not the suppllies that make the artist. Even though having copic markers and multi liners would be fucking awesome. I guess I should just get better at using & taking care of the supplies I already have and then when I'm ready and when I can afford them they'll come to me . I've been looking for jobs recently and I hope to god someone will call me for an interview and I can make my own money. Then I can support my habit with my own money instead of some one else's. I really do need to get this shopping thing under control. I fucking love shopping for things. For clothes for art supplies it just feels good to buy things. I may be a shopaholic. I have a problem :(

Tomorrow

I don't know what's going on tomorrow. I should go down to the library and fill out the application. Maybe I'll ask if I can get a paying job there too not just volunteering. I'm so worried about this leg of my adventure. I'm scared of every choice that comes my way because I want to do everything to the best of my abilities. I have no real reason to be afraid.  But its the worry gene I have fermenting in my soul growing day by day since I'm in this world making my own choices instead of following others. Its a little petty but I'm afraid of seeing someone I don't like when I sign up or them already working there. I'd cry. I don't know I'm socially retarded anyway . maybe I'll make a friend. I hate the way I'm afraid of everything. It seems to get worse with age. I really want to get a job. I have to start really searching instead of sulking around and blogging about how jobless I am. It makes sense...

Starving artist

Currently I am job less. My portfolio is lame and I haven't started on my essay. I still can't drive and I am 18 everything seems to be moving so slow for me but I've always been a late bloomer. I was a late bloomer with boys. I was a late bloomer with boobs. You name it and I was late to that party. Now I understand summer time sadness. I don't know where to work because I get anxious around people constantly. I'm not good around food because I work slow. I just can't seem to catch a break.

New art works

Sorry I went m.I.a

I ate half a pizza alone

Today is the slowest day in the entire cosmos. I feel like everything hit a screaching halt since the whole rest of my weeks have been visiting schools having interviews looking for jobs and ect.. All I did was my nails that are like bright yellow now. I'm sort if on the fence about it but whatever. And do laundry. I've been on YouTube for hours and now I'm sort of just waiting for today to be over and my life to start back up again. Maybe its a big part if me having anxiety always wanting to do something and be somewhere. Its a sickness. I wish I could enjoy quiet times but all I'm thinking about is how long its gonna take for my clothes to dry since I couldn't afford to use the dryer and if I should text Goat man or not. I mean he didn't text me so I'm not obligated to but still. Is it rude not to? Is it bad that today was dead silent?  Either way I still ordered an Alfredo pizza and gorged myself. But it was a pizza hut pizza so it wasn't really that huge anyway. So I guess I'm not that guilty.

Life update

So I went to the art & design college andet with a. Councilor and he was nice and funny and told me I should reapply again in September because I don't really qualify for the fall semester but I'd be able to take the spring semester. That should be fun though having all this extra time to myself instead of jumping balls deep into school all over again. I am going to see if I can enroll in some classes at GCC and boost my GPA and try to take a lot of art classes so when I do turn in a portfolio even though I'm not very good in the grades department they'll seem my talent and love me. I just hope I do better in college then in highschool I don't want to be that same mediocre kid in college.  I don't want to be the kid that barely scraped by. I mean yeah my life is kind of difficult but its not like I have an excuse to be a lazy ass. I want to be the very best but I know its not going to happen over night because I am still me and I still have my personality. I need to stop putting myself on a pedestal be more humble. And maybe I'll do better this time.

Art blogs

Is it just me or is it an artist thing that following other artists blogs makes you either really inspired or feel really shitty about your work. And I know thats not the intention at all but its how I feel. I mean I feel like I'm not good enough and I'm going to get torn apart in art school. All these artists I follow are so cool and great like on instagram and stuff , but I don't know what I'm doing. I don't even feel like I have an art style anymore. Or maybe I'm being temper mental and it'll come to me when its ready. For the mean time I should just focus on writing stories or learning how to drive and looking for a job. I'm going to try to tour another art campus next week. The one for the cool ass fashion school went really well but I'm not to sure about the vibe from the school. It was too out of my element I guess. Everyone was dressed up and had a full face of makeup they were all put together. The campus was nice though and the people were more friendly then I expected but I'm a simple bitch with simple needs. So I was intimidated. Maybe I'll like the other art campus. Maybe that'll be the one like my collegiate soul mate. I hope it works out. I hope they accept me. I really want to start my life. I want to see where everything takes me. I'm anxious but excited but more anxious than anything . maybe it'll work out though who knows everything might even work out.

Artwork updates

Sorry

Goat man gas been home since Tuesday . I'm sorry u hadn't updated in a while. I have artist block at the moment which is the urge to draw but the lacking of knowing what to draw. I'm going to get leggings today and maybe go see how to train your dragon 2. That's gonna be fun. I really want to see 22 jump street though but we're going to see that tomorrow. I'm so excited! This post is very short and I should have some updates from my last nasty coffee collage.

A new day is dawning

He's flying in tonight and I'm so excited I cant bare it. I'm so excited I feel like a puppy. He's coming to see me tomorrow and I just arrgh I'm gushing like a fan girl in line for a concert. Everyone is gone and its back to being just my mom and I. My grandma kept threatening to move in with us and I was hoping she wouldn't. I mean I have no reason to be worried but I just went straight for the worst case scenario. My cat scratched up my arm now I'm kinda pissed and my stomach hurts a bit. Not sure why. I'm bloated & nausious. I hope my period doesn't start tomorrow that would suck! Hope for the best & it'll all work out....that's what I'm going to tell myself anyway.

Day one

He'll be home Monday night so its pretty much 7 days. Im sort of burnt out with my family and crap so this isn't gonna be a long entry sorry guys

Day 2

I'm so tired. I've been just shopping and today my granny came over to spend the weekend with me and my mom. Idk I've been drained the whole week I'm not sure why it feels like my anxiety is more hyper active without Goat man. But I know now I like having  him around. I'm so tired. I almost finished the nasty coffee collage I started on but otherwise I haven't been very productive.