You've Gotta Be Fuckin kiddin

SO we had our 'Come To Jesus' talk and we're apparently dealing with this one by one because She came over to talk to me about my feelings. which really ended up being an 'i'm going to talk to you about my feelings and simultaneously blame you for these feelings." I'm glad it's over because i feel like it made more good to her than it did to me. Being all pissed off at me because I'm in my feelings. what the hell is wrong with her. I wish i never said anything. whenever i talk to people about how i'm feeling or how I've felt without it blowing up in my face because someone wants to understand my feelings or getting in further because i already talked about my insecurity. Sometimes when people get close they get two close and they try to chip at shit you've built over time.

I'm dreading talking to her brother this afternoon. I still feel like I'm a naughty kid getting a stern talking to by the EMOTIONALLY evolved adults about the "importance of feelings" to be completely honest it makes me want to throw up and die. this is still super uncomfortable and a lot of real intimate details of myself and what goes on in my head are supposed to stay up there. they arent fair game to other people just because they want to be chatty Kathy's all the damn time. I always feel guilty about my feelings, someone is always there making me feel dumb or awkward or insecure about them. I dont feel like they're valid, and i dont feel like they make sense most of the time i feel crazy. I feel like these feelings make me sound bat shit crazy expressing shit.
It dont help mush when you have someone trying to nit pick understand and explain everything

So What Had Happened Was

so long story short I disapeared for a while because of a deal of drama that i seemed to get myself into and we are going to have to start from the end and work my way backward. I told My best friend I had a crush on him a few weeks ago. got turned down, we haven't talked for two weeks. but now his sister has made it about herself and wedged herself in a very passive conflict succeeding to make it 1000x worse than it should be and now i feel like i'm being punished for liking him, like I've done a terrible evil, or some kind of crime resulting in some weird intervention like me having affection toward someone is offensive. It makes me feel sort of like I'm a gross fuck for even expressing these feelings in the first place like what the fuck am i that terrible? Is the idea of me wanting someone that disgusting or vile. am I that repulsive? like did i miss the memo that i am a leper that doesn't get to show any type of liking toward anyone without warranting a slap on the wrist and me being shoved back into the animal cage i belong in. I feel so ashamed like I feel disgusting like I'm the worst person to walk the earth for having an innocent attraction for someone. I don't understand why I keep getting treated like I'm doing something wrong. 

I didn't choose to have a crush, i cant pin point when I'm going to like someone who they're going to be or how i'm going to act around them. I just wanted to say something so I didn't waste my time pining after someone I knew wasn't going to reciprocate my affection because they have other issues they have to deal with. this isn't my fault and I shouldn't be treated like some lecherous villain. I'm always getting treated like there is something wrong with me that needs to be fixed because I want to date people. That's totally fucking normal and I'm not Medusa or anything I am deserving of human emotion and shit, I don't like the fact that I am being interrogated over the most heartbreaking moment in time and replaying it over and over again like this is an episode of fucking criminal minds, I didn't do anything wrong and I shouldn't have to deal with this trash. if anything he should be flattered and feel blessed because I am a walking goddess but instead I am being called into the principal's office like a naughty child. I regret saying anything but at the same time it says more about the two of them than it does about me. I love everything and everyone most of the time unless i'm at work than that's a different story. it's been a really hard week for me because I have been avoiding dealing with this issue. which isnt really an issue for a normal person someone having a crush on them would warrant an "aww that's cute, thank you." instead of "we need to have a family meeting," 

it's fucking heart breaking that it comes to having to have a stern talking to and it makes me feel like I'm the cripple from '300', when in all seriousness i'd be more like Xerces. I dont understand why this is so appalling like how gross must you see me if this is the case? in his mind i must be some sort of gross spore instead of a sentient person deserving of any type of human contact if this is how i am treated.

Mala Vida Aesthetic

So apparently Prince's are real. Like I totally fan girled about him with my friends after work because I don't think I've ever seen someone so perfect. like I cant live. he was so pretty. he had dark hair with these pretty blonde highlights and an effortless like wavy curl to them that made him look like a surfer/skater which apparently is the aesthetic that I just melt for. he had the most amazing eyes like they were blue but with silver painted on the middle of the iris with these thick brown eyelashes and a little scruffy lost boy beard. Oh my god and don't get me started with his skin. it was comparable to molten caramel. he showed up at my job and my heart just about leapt out of my chest. and i  was sick today i had almost not come to work. but then i would have missed out on angelic mag-fucking-nificence.
I was a wreck like you know when you see someone and you're like "I hope to god that I see you again because you made glitter blossom in my heart and I don't know how to feel because I don't like feeling these types of feelings." and I freaked the fuck out because he was such a little daddy I died.  I hope to god I see him again. I didn't even learn his name. but like then again what the fuck would he want with a 19 y/o dickhead who doesn't even have a car. it doesn't matter he was a real live prince and I think I am going to have to take a few days to get over the shock. I didn't even know dudes that looked like that were real anymore. he was like Vic Fuentes and Avan Jogia fused into the ultimate babe.  
I'm noticing a lot about myself and like I have this weird weakness for alternative, skater, loiter squad dudes.like dudes that look like they play guitar and talk about over throwing the government. the same thing with chicks too though, like all the girls that I've thought were hot have that whole Tank Girl, skater vibe going on as well and I need to control myself. I guess it is my opposite because  grew up being the Sporty bitch from the conservative uber religious black christian family. I guess like  in a weird way I still am like the 'goody goody.' and i find myself drawn to like mischievous, pirate esque people all the time. like I'm lookin' for trouble hahaha. I sound ridiculous.

I really just want to see him again, like even if nothing happens I want to see his pretty face and freak out and be weird about it and then act like nothing happened. I'm pretty sure that was the father of my future children but y'know I could be wrong, A girl can dream though right? I'm always falling for people who could potentially ruin my shit. there is always that one special person that can just fuck yo whole damn life up and I'ma keep waiting for mine,
that mother fucker looks like how good coffee tastes and I'm still mad about it.

Young Black and Uncomfortable.

     
So like I'm watching this "Dear Fat People." shit because it's been showing up on my tumblr and I feel like I am basically watching a poor man's Jenna Marbles. She doesn't deserve all the attention that it's getting because she's a bit of a garbage can. "fat shaming isn't a thing." like transformers "there is more than meets the eye." with a situation such as Weight, and fat shaming. what was the point of this video being made? this isn't stopping obesity, this isn't promoting the habits that should be adopted instead this isn't a health channel, she's not a YouTube yoga/ fitness guru. she's just some mildly funny chick biting off the same Jenna Marble's shtick in order to get likes. People are always going to be different, that is why society hasn't crumbled because we are all built in a way that'd benefit future generations. even in the animal world there are variants in colors, shapes, sizes and abilities why is it that we expect to be the same?

    What right do we have to question nature?. we have to look the same as everyone else, but we also have to "be the innovator, the originator." yada yada yada it makes no fucking sense. Why is it that a species that cultivated the earth and ran civilizations cant get over the fact that there are different types in the species. Humans were not meant to be homogenous (having the same gene/characteristics) in appearance. Not once have I seen a dog not bark at another dog because that dog was too fat. in that dogs mind all he sees is a dog. the other dog is obviously different but its still a dog. so if someone is a fat person, or Overweight, or Pudgy or so have you why do they not get recognized as being a person. we have come up with so many ways to push other people away to alienate those of our species. What good does that do? its basically civil war. if you want to make a video shaming someone there should be a video made about shaming the food industry for hyper sexualizing gluttonous activities and shoving different Burger, Pizza, and Candy companies down our throat. blame media for not promoting healthy lifestyles until then 2010's or continuing to perpetuate standards of beauty which are almost obsolete and destructive to the collective psyche. promoting thin almost mal nourished male and female models to be objectified and praised as what beauty should be. but in reality the beauty should be practical fro the species to survive. muscular people, curvy people, thicker people. people who could defend themselves physically as the beauty standard. we seem to peer into other people's lives instead of minding our own business. instead of worrying about what fat people are doing with their diets maybe like start knitting, adopt a pet, learn a new language.
          
            Better yourself. and that goes for anyone who puts people down. anyone with a bully/mean girl mentality that is old enough to have a 40 hr a week , or 9-5 job should just worry about themselves. there is no problem with fat people. there is a problem with a-holes body-policing someone just because they were inconvenienced by the fat aesthetic.  there is so much to be done in the ways of body acceptance because even though different looking people have been around since time it's self humans cant seem to grasp that concept like babies with a lack of object permanencehttps://youtu.be/CXFgNhyP4-A
so watch the video think about it, comment. if you agree...eh. if you disagree also eh... as long as you follow comment or subscribe.
                                                 

YO BITCHES

So I haven't posted anything in a while and i really should be doing homework instead of this shit but I've had some things I needed to write out and get off my chest, so here we go. WARNING the tea will be especially hot today. moving on as you all know I have started school, and this is like the second week but one of my professors actually struck a chord with me. As you already know I have been floundering in this murky water called adult hood and I had no intentions of going to school. In fact I was hoping to run off with some weirdo and own a crafts store or some hipster shit like that. but I digress, she asked why we were here like what our reasons were. and I said I was going because my mom didn't want me to end up like her and so afterward she goes. :"so is anyone here for themselves? is anyone here not just because MOMMY said you need to go to school." and I just kind of sat there like WOW I am a sheep. I am going to school just because someone else told me to. but it wasn't just my mom pushing me to go to school. my coworkers at the store kept breathing down my neck about me going to college when they found out i was an artist. my uncles had been trying to coax me into going since i could hold a pencil, but other than hatred and spite toward men who shall remain nameless i had no real motivation. I want to be a writer, but I never looked too far into writing because everyone put my art on a pedestal. it's not even that great but since I'm the only one in my family that can actually draw more than geometric shapes they made a big deal out of it. My whole reason for being here is misguided hate. like "I hate these people so much i want to have a cool ass fucking career but the only way to get that career that i can rub in their smug fucking disapproving faces is by going to college." and you know what that isn't healthy but hatred is better than working out of infatuation. I do't have a noble cause. I am not working out of my love for someone else like Jay fucking Gatsby. I am working because of seething unquenchable hatred, blinding, red, flaming, volcanic hatred that ruminates in the dark little corners of my head. I feel like Batman in the Dark knight rises.Like all of the pain and bullshit and stupid horrible people I encounter everyday, the stupid horrible people that I used to love, all of them fuel this like raging inferno of hate and disgust that flames my ass in order for me to get a fucking bachelors and go to UCSB I have been hearing people ask WHY alot. Why are you doing this? what is your motivation, and for a long time I thought love would be my motivation. I loved someone so much all I wanted was for them to be proud of me. to see some kind of worth in what I was doing. But you know what the flames of complete and utter hate scorch the majestic rivers of love. now I don't give a fuck if they are proud or not. I want them to know what they missed. I want them to feel the jab in their side every time they see my name on the bookshelf of their favorite bookstore. I want them to squirm when they hear my name on the radio while they're on a drive with the person that they're fucking. I want to come up in the new releases tab on their kindle fire and make that pit in their stomach fucking enormous. I want to be the ghost haunting them in their sleep.   I don't want to be the love stuck knight or the hero a cause. I want to be the fucking villain.I know its super petty to do well based off of negative forces and karma is going to fuck me in the ass eventually, but I'm ready for that bitch honey, I'll be a power bottom for that bitch as long as I make it to the top. This is basically for everyone; My shitty insane boss, my delinquent father and the rest of his ass backwards family, star, he who shall not be named. everyone, there is a list honey, trust. yo girl is one petty spiteful bitch. I know god don't like ugly but ugly feelings get the job done. The funny part about this is I thought I had to grow up. I thought I had to stop being petty and childish and take all this fuckery like a lady to not come across as "crazy," or not to be "that girl" but being that girl is so fucking fun. so fun. being a bitch is fun, being sarcastic is fun, being petty gets work done, being a sexual deviant is fun.I don't have to "behave" for anybody. I can be as fucked up and raw and gritty as I fucking want to.

The Universe Needs To Get The Fuck Up Out My Face

Sorry I havent posted in a while, i actually started school! yay me getting my life together and shit. turns out i was really meant for school. I don't know it makes me happy like I feel fulfilled going. But I am noticing more and more that i am becoming this like hyper feminine Ziggy Star Dust communist witch. I am kinda digging that. what I am not digging are these weird signs from the universe. Don't get me wrong i adore the universe and all its weird but when it comes to my lacking love life I don't want signs, I want to get hit in the face with a mac- truck that looks like Shia Labeouf. personally I am as subtle as a shot gun, so why must signs be so damn drawn out and cryptic. I don't know if its Real Miko or Period Miko but either way i am pretty mad. there have been small things like an influx in white butterflies in the area which signify change soon to come or already done. I have still been seeing heart shapes literally everywhere I go. I shit you not the other day at work this lady had a heart shaped splotch on her titty. I almost went home I swear to God. Like if it has something to say it needs to say it to my fucking face instead of giving me all these dreams and metaphysical diddles. but like right now i feel like its laughing it's ass off like "bitch if only you knew what was in store, you'd shit your pants." if thats the case then nevermind everything i just said. but I really do want something sort of sexy and really cool to happen, preferably not with any one i work with. unless it's the cute night shift starbucks guy cause he looks like Prince Eric from the little mermaid and that oddly turns me on.my birthday is coming up soon! I have survived nineteen years in this body even through dealing with depression and anxiety. SUCK IT! i'm getting my nose pierced and ordering Pineapple peperoni pizza and sea salt ice cream and no one can fucking stop me. I gotta go to work though. Catch ya later nerds. I am out. SHibby.!!!

BLACK KIDS AREN'T PETTING ZOOS

so this thing happened at work and I couldn't do anything because i was working and i have to smile in these fake pig people's faces all the time. there was this kid like 15 feet away from me and he looked mixed or light skinned but he had non-black white passing friends and the kid had this pretty healthy little fro right and these little monster babies are fondling him and prodding him like he is a baby sheep and he just looks miseable like his soul is deflating as they prod and molest his little baby crown. and i had this gut feeling like i could feel the same thing he felt because I was that friend, that token black friend being poked at being examined like a frog on he dissection table.I was at the other side. I was the "how do you get your hair like that?" I was the "if i stick a pencil in your hair will it stay there?" or "can I touch your hair? it's so big!" that's uncool, uncomfortable and no body likes that shit. you don't see black people asking white people if we can touch their hair because they don't fucking want to. like looking in the face of that little pudding made me want to swoop in like fucking WONDERMIKO and shoo off the kids. Like dude furreal you guys are still on this "Let's fondle black people for kicks bullshit." we are not for your consumption dude. BACK THE FUCK UP. you cannot marvel at our features and then belittle those same features making the new black youth feel fetishized and unwanted at the same time. That's gross. but on another note I have started school and I am going mission college then i am transferring to Csun located in my home town of northridge CA but I have been thinking alot of old friends and people I otherwise no longer associate with and all of the people i have encountered in my life have an unhealthy view of black people. most of my friends have been WOC (women of color) either mexican or asian or native american or of mixed race and still these bitches often made it a point to confide in me their veiws on black men. by telling me they aren't attracted to them. first in foremost i can give negative to FUCKS about your relationship with black men. especially because their "nonattraction." is rooted in eurocentric ideals of beauty and attractiveness. second of all white dudes hold the record for sex related crimes and violence against women, and PA-LEASE don't come at me with that not all white guys shit. because the ones who aren't either racist trogladites, or sexually frustrated sociopaths, are obsessed with the EXOTIC. that means putting WOC on a pedestal based off of hypersexualized fetishized fantasies and notions of what it's like to date a {      } girl.  and it's fucking gross.you basically end up being sexy exotic furniture. I know from experience. But me personally I had never thought about who i was sexually attracted to in terms of race. everybody likes certain things; eye color, sense of humor, big dick, kindness, muscles ect ect. i had never sexually excluded anyone because I'm kind of a horny hyperromantic love starved fool who hopes for the fairytale ending which includes someone who cuddles me, touches my butt, and makes a mean breakfast. that's ALL I fucking looked for was love and acceptance and worship; not what racial criteria he had to meet. even though during my younger years i had a flavor of the month club mentality. but i was going through hormonal changes and i found many different types of men attractive. But to have people i care about and talk to look me in the face and tell me men of my culture aren't up to their fucking standards whilst they track pink dick like fucking military grade snipers is fucking beyond me. That's like me telling my lesbian friend i would never fall in love with a woman. Because I don't fucking know who my true love is yet. It could be a woman. she could be a fucking Mathematics major and she could turn out to be the love of my fucking life. My soulmate could be a Young black man who is studying temporarily at a community college before transferring to a HBUC who'd end up graduating subacumlaudy. My soulmate could fucking be some guy i met bagging groceries who's mixed.I am not going to limit my love to people because their culture or creed religion or background because if they eat pussy right and they know what to do when i;m sad or i've had a shitty day it doesn't fucking matter what their background is. what matters is that they treat you like a person instead of a mantle piece what matters is they don't make you feel like shit for not agreeing with them. as long as they are not abusive manipulative selfish people that's the fucking shit you need to worry about. not how dark they are or the history of struggle that their lineage had faced.  if anything you should hope for a black person to bless you with their presence. you're children will have the strength of survivors and mystics and heroes coursing through them. fuck people who are quick to say love is love, but correct it with "BUT I"M NOT REALLY INTO BLACK GUYS" because news flash bitch, black guys are like every other guy you've ever met. they play XBOX and talk shit to their friends and talk about boobs and ass and pussy and their crazy ex girlfriends. the only difference is they were built to withstand heat and struggle and probably have heard tons of people reject them based off of their beautiful skin. Being in an interracial relationship does not make you more special or more worthy than other black people and for my non black POC dating a black person does not make you less than, or belittle you, or mean you get an all access pass to appropriate black culture. what it does mean is that you're kids will be hot because they have african DNA and they'll have a better complexion then their nonblack counter part and you may have to actually learn about black people, black culture and black hair. WE ARE PEOPLE don't treat black people like some sort of alien race. just fucking don't. if you do I hope a hand in the shape of mine comes down from the sky and slaps the fucking shit out of you because you're being garbage.I fucking can't dude I just fucking can't . we live in a time where young black kids are being slaughtered like animals in record numbers and all your pretty little brain can think of is "I'm not into black guys, hey Miko is it true what they say about black dicks." GUESS WHAT BITCH I would;n't fucking know if it was true Because the last dick I saw was pink and ruined my life so don't ask me weird intrusive racial questions about black male genitalia. BEcause dick size is relative, just like the size of the labias and breasts we walk around with. ANd honestly do you think all black women simultaneously learn about black dick, or we all have to go look at eachothers parts to pass some ancient ritual. fuck outta here man that's so fucking icky.IF you are nonblack and friends with black people or dating black people don't subscribe to fucking stereotypes kid, educate yourselves and respect your peers. Don't be a fucking ass hat.