I have to go on this bus trip tomorrow in LA and I really don't want to. i hate taking the bus but everyone thinks it's because I think I'm too good to ride the bus but I'm scared because I don't want to get lost, I'm like a tiny baby. But instead of planning the bus route and dealing with what's actually bothering me I'm watching The Crow, and avoiding my issues. But I mean fawning over hot grunge Brandon Lee is way more interesting than thinking about having to go to LA and coming back home on the bus. Usually when I have little bouts of anxiety like this over tiny trivial things like getting lost and murdered or losing my job or spending too much money, I used to pray.
I prayed when I had to give up my cats, i prayed when I tried to move out. but I don't feel like it works anymore. I don't feel like anything works; prayer, tarot cards, horoscopes, magic. like all the magic is leaving my body and soon I'll be like everyone else.
I have hoped for too long and dreamt for too long only to wake up in this shitty monotonous reality the only real comfort I have are the useless purchases I make to fill the void and contribute to my vanity. but even though I feel this way I still read my cards, I sleep with the rose quartz, I wear my Jade amulet, and I hope for better days. I know it sounds mellow dramatic while you are reading it but this is just what I'm going through right now. I feel like I am being suffocated by loneliness and boredum. I want to be around people who are like me not like the people I work with. They're just like the kids I went to highschool with, petty, sad, empty, jealous. All that matters is the latest gossip or who said what about who and how many hours they're getting cheated out of on their schedule. but in the end we are all getting cheated by capitalism, giving them our time in exchange for cash which seems to disappear as soon as it lands in our grubby hands because they find ways to get it right back. I am frustrated. I am so just irritated in my bones. like literally my neck and my shoulders are a cluster fuck of angry kinetic energy.I keep getting Tarot readings that tell me to let go of what's bothering me in able to get my life back, but it's hard letting go since my thoughts are all that seem to keep me warm at night. It's hard not to think when there is no outside stimuli. No one talks to me about anything worth its salt. I haven't had a meaningful conversation with anyone but my mom in the last few months. I've been hanging out with my family alot but they're still kind of ass holes. My uncle ran off with his crazy girlfriend and we hardly see him, the other one is a world class cry baby. i have my grandparents but there's not much i have to say about them they're just old, stuck in their ways black people. I feel like I need to sage my apartment to get rid of all the remnants of Goat Man, I mean his energy is everywhere, he helped me move in, we've laid, talked, kissed, laughed in every corner of this shitty little apartment. But I have to move forward so the rain will stop. It cant rain all the time. I can't drown in this flood of feelings.
I just have a lot of regret in my heart that I need to purge so I can be okay. I don't know how to find any sage, but it needs to happen soon so I can move on. Maybe it's just the ritualistic effect y'know that makes your mind feel like something is different. I don't even know if it'll work.I am very aggressively attracted to Brandon lee at this moment in time. but I digress, I don't think people actually understand how hard letting go is, it gets thrown around a lot and there's a whole fucking musical number about it in frozen but even Elsa didn't get over all that shit her parents put her through over night you think all that shit went away because she built an ice castle and changed her fucking wardrobe? no! it fucking didn't. I mean I tried to move on the conventional way, y'know go on dates meet new guys ect, ect, ect. but I just felt empty and all I could think of was if they liked me or did i say the right thing and i kept trying to see my future with these dudes and gt on the rebound wagon but my generation sucks. and now the only person i talk to is miles away and has the fucking audacity to ask me when i'm going to go visit him knowing full well that i have a job and no fucking seniority to make that shit fucking happen. I might as well just be alone and go through the grieving process the right way instead of trying to bury my feelings in new penis, because what's going to happen is that I'm going to hurt someone else's feelings because I can't deal with my own and I know what that feels like and I have done that to people before and it fucking sucks.I think instead of fighting the loneliness I should accept it. I should embrace the loneliness, the sadness the raw achey bones from lack of human contact, the irritability the sleepless nights. I should become friends with the cold side of my bed instead of desperately trying to fill it. being alone isn't a punishment. it's a gift, I'm not on fucking time out. I am a grown ass woman, If anything this period of stasis means that something fucking wonderful is around the corner and I need to be open enough to receive it instead of fighting for the past..
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and I am the mother fucker being kicked down the fucking hole.that shit is Savage AF.But anyway I am just going to leave the uterus talk alone for a while and talk about how I chose child development to study in school but I don't think i am like responsible or appropriate enough to teach small children. I'm probably not even going to have my own kids. like I know I'm not having my own kids. I'm selfish and I sort of just want to rip my uterus out of my body and sell it, or donate it to someone who knows they are going to be a good parent. 
I am not going to stop cmplaining about my period. i thought i would stop but fuck it. I can complain if I fucking want to. But like in all seriousness I would probably be a shitty parent because i am basically an obese child so there we go, a child raising a child. and it's funny when girls around my age are like "I don't want kids." and then they go; with their pompous laughter. "bah ha ha; you're young YOU'LL CHANGE YOUR MIND ALL WOMEN WANT BAAAABIESSS." and then I am sitting there {on my broomstick} like "no that's not going to change boo boo." because it's not. like I hate kids but I don't want to ruin their fucking lives like there doesn't need to be someone walking this earth with all the baggage I supplied them, and I am super selfish and self absorbed like when I have to share money with family i turn into Smaug and hoard all my gold in like a dungeon. Like having a real job has turned me into a greedy bitch. i was already selfish but all the shit i have to deal with to get my tiny paycheck FAAAAWK you mean I have to share it. I don't even like spending it on shit I need. 
But I really want to buy new clothes to y'know set up a cute little wardrobe for college and a new leather jacket. I've never had my own leather jacket and i want to sew on a patch on the back. I just want to be a rad kick ass bitch form hell. I'm going to get my nose pierced again soon so I can rock my septum and my little Tupac diamond stud. I am also thinking of letting my hair grow out again because it's healthy now like I chopped everything off and I'm growing it clean from scratch. everything is happening from scratch, I'm just this hatchling witch. It's great. I love it and retrograde hasn't been super shitty. Like no crazy things from my past have shown u on my doorstep dramatically, I haven't had any actual problems besides time management.I guess for someone who's life is usually a mess retrograde kind of puts things back in place.
but there is a home somewhere I think. somewhere where i wont feel out of place and alien. there is a tribe, this is just a rough, lonely, boring patch thats all. I mean it cant be all gloom and doom forever. like I was upset earlier because I was watching a tutorial for the new mortal Kombat X and I was thinking how I would never be able to play any of those games because I couldn'fforthe Xbox one and now its on sale for $349. and with that I could buy it after my next 3 pay checks and get Witcher and Mortal Kombat. so there was a solution to that dilemma, then there has to be a tribe like literally right around the corner. It could be right under my nose waiting for me to stumble into their arms. I think that's what everyone really wants. is to be somewhere where they know that they are comfortable and loved. just like there is an affordable video game waiting to be played. there's always something waiting for you to find it.
i guess my problem is it just dont know where to look
DO YOU FUCKING SEE ALL THAT RAW ADORATION???? I mean jesus christ I hate hearing that bullshit when people are like "you have to love yourself first then love will come" because i love myself more than anyone ever could to where it is boardering on Kanye west self obsession, and this has been a long dry spring bordering on an even dryer summer. and i know some of you out there are like damn she's thirsty or damn she needs to worry about her career and going to school because she's too young for this shit. well first off FUCK YOU you can still be strongly sexually and romantically oriented and pursue a career like I want to be an ESL or kindergarten teacher. I know that shit now and I know I can still do all the other stuff I saw myself doing if I go back to school in my 20's. and second of all I cant control these feelings it's not like I can turn them off. love and sex is as natural as food and drink just not everyone gets to have them. ANd I have wished for most of my life that I could shut these feelings down, that I could bury this part of me and become a robot.i wished that i could live asexually instead of constantly being a lusty monster craving love, adoration, and constant affections. that's another reason why my relationship fell apart because my greedy neediness and always wanting the attention and touch of my previous partner. but I cant help it, it's like I am addicted to touch and without it i start to go into this weird withdrawl. there is no shutting it down and turning off the power switch. there is no "just don't think about it." there is no dont crave the slightest touch of someone who loves you. there is no cure. 
there is no cure for hope, there is no cure for endless love. there is no cure for dreaming that one day there will be someone to give it too me without complication. like I have this scenario in my head that I will meet that person and time will slow down and everything will fall into place.everyone has someone that makes the world stop for them. Frida Khalo had Diego Rivera, Scarlet O'hara had Rhett Butler. There is that one person that makes a home in your soul and wouldn't ever leave, no matter the circumstances and I refuse to give that up.There is someone who will break all this boredom and monotony. there is a great love out there. there has to be.
The point of meeting things from your past doesnt always mean they were meant to be in your present. but if they keep bumping into you that means there is something that needs to be done and you cant go on hiding from things.I couldnt keep hiding from Star and wallowing in the ill will that I had been harboring and that had hindered me from having a healthy relationship with Goat Man because most of it was my fault, because all she wanted was the best for me. growing is an interesting thing because you know it's happening but it happens in the smallest moments, moments of kindness and friendship, moments of goodness and compassion. Not in hate or by force or in anger. it's like when people say singing to plants help them grow faster, I have rarely had moments when I had been proud of myself unless it had been an academic or athletic feat.But socially proud of myself especially dealing with anxiety and depression yada yada. Running away from everything made me feel like garbage running from the people I hurt and scorned feeling like that would make it better if I just left. but staying has been the best decision had ever made. 
Looks like I can make good choices after all.. I should've written a disclaimer that this blog wouldnt be a ranting raving blog about me being sexually frustrated angry and discontent drowning in loneliness and angst But I already know that I'l be getting less views on this post than the lasts because I sound positive even though I have been getting Gang raped by period cramps this has been a pretty groovy journey, and I'm going to continue to be
my tiny little heart continues to pour out hopes upon hopes.the worst phrase of all is "one day." or "maybe." or "next year." or "soon." I continue to cling to this thread that there is a way out of here if I work hard enough if I push hard enough, if I try. The sick part is I can't give up even though I want to. I wish I could be hopeless and leave all my dreams to die in the desert like Tujunga sun. it is basically like I am in a vaccum , drowning in eternal indifference. and I have to go to work tomorrow and deal with these jerk offs who know everything except how to treat people like human beings. it's a fucking zoo. I don't have much to write about today because all i am capable of is complaining. Maybe i'm just restless because my period is close at hand.I still cant shake the hope that one day I will claw my way out of here and I will be out of this desert hell and I will live some where where all the flowers aren't coming out of concrete and the air isn't hot and scratchy against my skin. I will be able to say that I had gotten away and that I was the one that got out.there is a way. I know there is.