Things I Have Learned

I learned not to regret anything during the course of this year. things that suck, problems I've had. I wouldn't trade any of it for the world. And even though what hurt me the most was losing Goat Man, I'm glad that i had the chance to meet him. I feel like i needed to meet him to learn, i didn't want to learn it the way that i did but  I learned it anyway. He'll always be a good memory/ a great memory. I have come to realize that people need pain in their lives to realize who they are supposed to be. Goat Man encouraged me to do more, to be myself and to find the version of myself that made me shine the most. I hope next year everyone that reads this blog finds something that makes them feel that way, something that makes them feel alive. Whether it be a new lover, new friends, old friends you don't talk to, a new job, a promotion, a pet an adventure. Whatever it is that challenges you and makes you feel like you will never stop working and trying until you get to where you want to be.

I learned that the best person you can ever meet is yourself. It might sound like stupid cliche new years bullshit or a hallmark card about finding yourself but i don't care. and if you have a problem with it don't read my blog. I felt like i had no control over a lot of things in my life and going from family drama to therapy to losing friends and blaming myself, but when i actually had the chance to be just alone I noticed that I was AWESOME.I learned that you don't have to feel bad about being alone during the holidays or new years. I learned that you should stop setting goals that put you down. you don't have to lose weight just because the new year started, unless you want to but we all know you will work out for the first week or so and then get caught up in actually having a life and not being a fitness nut. this year all my goals are sort of just about getting my life started. I still have to find a real job (that pays by the hour) and I still have to get my book published.
set new years resolutions toward following your dreams and doing something exciting. kiss a stranger on new years if you're single. Go somewhere you've never been before next year. stay positive and accept your body next year. tell yourself that your body is the most beautiful body you could ever have, whether your former resolution is gaining or losing weight it doesn't matter. someone wont kick you out of their bedroom because you are too skinny or plus sized. and if they do, they're a Cunt with a capitol C. Challenge yourself. DO something worth doing. And don't make my mistake; when you meet someone that makes you want to become a better person and makes you feel like you are immortal, never let them go.

                           
                                                                   

Happy Fucking New Year.

I know i have been inactive a lot the last few weeks, but the end of this year hasn't been very pleasant. I try really hard to keep my personal life and my blog in two different areanas but now I just don't care. My adsence application was denied so i am not getting paid for my blog posts, my boyfriend Goat Man dumped me, and the Grandmother from hell moved in and started fucking up the whole vibe in my home. she was only supposed to be living with us for a month but her and my mom decided the wanted to uproot me and my life and move out to Northridge, where I was born. I know I don't have a lot going for my any more in Sunland since my high school friends and I had a falling out when I met Goat man, which is not a bros before hoes situation either. a friend of mine had a crush on me and started to act weird once I had gotten a boyfriend and it was just a whole lot of fucking drama. But basically all I had left was him. so basically now if I stay in Sunland I will be living alone in a one bedroom apartment that costs way too much and I still haven't found a good job even though I have gone on COUNTLESS job interviews.

But if I move with my mom and Grandmonster I will be in a continuous state of discomfort and loathing even though I tried really hard to get used to her and like her she still turned out to suck. so i will probably have to place fucking ads on craigslist so I can get a roommate to help me pay for the apartment, but i will finally be alone and no longer subject to vehement hatred and tension in my home. it just seemed like my entire life so far has been a catch twenty-two. everything is terrible no matter which way I look and I know that sounds angsty but that's how i feel. now i am doing this house sitting gig for my ex's family but my ex still ignores me most of the time and makes me feel dumb when I do talk to him, but that had been the tenor of most of our relationship. I try to help, try to fix things, try to give him advice but no I'm still the immature one and I am the one that needs to 'work on myself." because no matter what i'm still doing something wrong or i'm not good enough. to that i say FUCK THAT.

Not trying to toot my own horn, but i was a pretty damn awesome girlfriend, and a pretty reasonable ex girlfriend.But apparently still not up to fucking par. this is probably going to get flagged because I am cursing and I still wont qualify for adsense because i don't MEET THE REQUIREMENTS. I am fucking awesome and I deserve better from next year. I'm tired of my life not being in my control, I'm tired of getting fucked over by people I trust and admire. 2014 gets the fucking finger! i worked so hard and got shit on in every fucking directions. the best part of this year was getting the house sitting gig so I could avoid all the shitty problems in my home life.

Don't get me wrong the beginning of my relationship was totally awesome and I had a lot of fun. But right now i am just totally pissed and everything is just festering because I cant hold my own in real arguements without crying like a little bitch because I thought this would be the one person that I didn't have to fight with and that everything would be forgiven and we would accept each other because I risked a lot to date him and it still blew up in my face. I'm just so tired of things falling apart because i work really hard to stay sane and to contribute to society and my fucking book. but i guess I still need to harder!

                                                                                              HAPPY NEW YEARS EVERYBODY

18 years a slave

I have never felt unequal to anyone regardless of sex, or race because in my heart I have seen myself to be my own person. Regardless of what class I belong to I have something that some people may never have in their lives and that is fight. If you have fight in your heart no one will ever be able to break you no matter how strong they maybe. But some people seem to misunderstand fight for animosity or anger. Fighting for what you believe in takes more than words it takes action. If you believe in honor, love, equality you have to do something you can't just sit around talking about it and making people angry. I had a teacher who used to provoke the feminists in my class with how many inequalities lay in wait for them in the real world she used to try to get me to become angry at things white people had done to my people. But there was only empty words that lacked follow through being strewn about carelessly into the void of teen minds. There are things that make me angry of course but those things I take the time to fight them slowly but surely knowing that one day those things won't be there to upset anyone any more. Nobody will benefit from anger if it isn't channeled in a productive way. That's all. Posts have been pretty deep lately. Either deep or just the ramblings of a hippie. Whatever you choose to call it is up to you.

Hating on Animals?

So apparently there is a big deal over maroon 5's song Animals.  Where Adam levine (the only member who's name we all actually know) plays a creepy psycho stalker that works in a Butcher shop that stalks and bothers this pretty model then they have steaming hot Adam sex in pints of blood (a little vampirism, sexy! Jk) but this isn't the first time men have done something creepy in media ie music & television.  Whether it is Blurred lines or Psycho by Alfred Hitchcock where a young man butchers young pretty women because they gave him sex feelings that would upset Mother. I don't see why it's a big deal. Maybe it's because they fuck in the blood? But that's obviously a portrayal of the creep's fantasy not how the video actually ends. I see how it can be upsetting because once something gets mainstream it's mistaken as glorification of something horrible rather than being an art form. Some people are just kind of weak in the brain if after watching the video they decide it's okay to stalk women they probably thought about it before this video was even made. So before you get angry just think about ever single home invasion, torture port movie you've watched and get angry about that as well.

American Sexual Repression (part 1)

Okay so I'm watching the celeb gossip news and they did a feature on Raven Simone and they didn't talk about the work she was doing, they didn't talk about how she is or what led to her success they just ended up talking about her having a relationship with a woman. Now she answered the questions with something I really clicked with and that was "I don't want to be labeled as 'gay' I want to be labeled as a human who likes humans. " that's basically all that it should be instead of magnifying the fact that her lover isn't a man. And the whole thing that bugged was that other entertainment people were like "oh she didn't officially come out." But it's like no body has to tell anyone their business if they don't want to and she is a very private individual so what did you expect.  People having to identify themselves only ends up creating division and then makes people only looked at by their orientation.  The only thing that truly matters is if that person is OK with themselves and they are honest with their lover. Everyone goes through a journey of sexual self discovery no matter the orientation.  I prefer a certain type of person. Most women have some kind of criteria some men as well. It's all about what you like it's not about the world. If we just backed off of the whole sexuality of the whole thing we'd be much happier. I want to be able to live without labels because labels don't last. Someone who labels themselves as straight for many years can come out and turn out to be gay someone who labels themselves as gay for many years might be straight and sometimes someone can label themselves as asexual and then become romantically or sensually involved with a man/woman.  I don't care if someone has a FrickFricken alligator toe between their legs people are too worked up about what to call themselves or other people they just end up making it a big ol' mess.

Surprise bitch

I opened an etsy shop
Email me or comment requests for what you would buy or what you want to see its primarily going to be an art store so check it out
Email: longjade93@yahoo.com

Success?

Do you ever think of how success effects people? Besides the journey to a career goal what happens?  Do you keep your soul? Do you stay with the person who encouraged you or do you lose them too? I'm worried about success. I have found Zen in my humble state but what if all of that is washed away? I've been thinking about that for a while. I don't know why I just feel like everything has a price and no good really comes without me getting hurt in some way. It's sad really.  But that's all that's been going on.  I'm not sure if I would be able to handle losing the things that kept going. But most times I don't feel like I can handle anything.