You've Gotta Be Fuckin kiddin

SO we had our 'Come To Jesus' talk and we're apparently dealing with this one by one because She came over to talk to me about my feelings. which really ended up being an 'i'm going to talk to you about my feelings and simultaneously blame you for these feelings." I'm glad it's over because i feel like it made more good to her than it did to me. Being all pissed off at me because I'm in my feelings. what the hell is wrong with her. I wish i never said anything. whenever i talk to people about how i'm feeling or how I've felt without it blowing up in my face because someone wants to understand my feelings or getting in further because i already talked about my insecurity. Sometimes when people get close they get two close and they try to chip at shit you've built over time.

I'm dreading talking to her brother this afternoon. I still feel like I'm a naughty kid getting a stern talking to by the EMOTIONALLY evolved adults about the "importance of feelings" to be completely honest it makes me want to throw up and die. this is still super uncomfortable and a lot of real intimate details of myself and what goes on in my head are supposed to stay up there. they arent fair game to other people just because they want to be chatty Kathy's all the damn time. I always feel guilty about my feelings, someone is always there making me feel dumb or awkward or insecure about them. I dont feel like they're valid, and i dont feel like they make sense most of the time i feel crazy. I feel like these feelings make me sound bat shit crazy expressing shit.
It dont help mush when you have someone trying to nit pick understand and explain everything

So What Had Happened Was

so long story short I disapeared for a while because of a deal of drama that i seemed to get myself into and we are going to have to start from the end and work my way backward. I told My best friend I had a crush on him a few weeks ago. got turned down, we haven't talked for two weeks. but now his sister has made it about herself and wedged herself in a very passive conflict succeeding to make it 1000x worse than it should be and now i feel like i'm being punished for liking him, like I've done a terrible evil, or some kind of crime resulting in some weird intervention like me having affection toward someone is offensive. It makes me feel sort of like I'm a gross fuck for even expressing these feelings in the first place like what the fuck am i that terrible? Is the idea of me wanting someone that disgusting or vile. am I that repulsive? like did i miss the memo that i am a leper that doesn't get to show any type of liking toward anyone without warranting a slap on the wrist and me being shoved back into the animal cage i belong in. I feel so ashamed like I feel disgusting like I'm the worst person to walk the earth for having an innocent attraction for someone. I don't understand why I keep getting treated like I'm doing something wrong. 

I didn't choose to have a crush, i cant pin point when I'm going to like someone who they're going to be or how i'm going to act around them. I just wanted to say something so I didn't waste my time pining after someone I knew wasn't going to reciprocate my affection because they have other issues they have to deal with. this isn't my fault and I shouldn't be treated like some lecherous villain. I'm always getting treated like there is something wrong with me that needs to be fixed because I want to date people. That's totally fucking normal and I'm not Medusa or anything I am deserving of human emotion and shit, I don't like the fact that I am being interrogated over the most heartbreaking moment in time and replaying it over and over again like this is an episode of fucking criminal minds, I didn't do anything wrong and I shouldn't have to deal with this trash. if anything he should be flattered and feel blessed because I am a walking goddess but instead I am being called into the principal's office like a naughty child. I regret saying anything but at the same time it says more about the two of them than it does about me. I love everything and everyone most of the time unless i'm at work than that's a different story. it's been a really hard week for me because I have been avoiding dealing with this issue. which isnt really an issue for a normal person someone having a crush on them would warrant an "aww that's cute, thank you." instead of "we need to have a family meeting," 

it's fucking heart breaking that it comes to having to have a stern talking to and it makes me feel like I'm the cripple from '300', when in all seriousness i'd be more like Xerces. I dont understand why this is so appalling like how gross must you see me if this is the case? in his mind i must be some sort of gross spore instead of a sentient person deserving of any type of human contact if this is how i am treated.