Feels

I feel like it is hard for me to have faith in things because I have put my faith in things that don't work out. I've seen futures that never came true. So many things I hoped for and visualized until now. Where I seem to visualize nothing but pain because if I see it it wont happen. It's odd how things turn out. I feel like I care so much about my relationships now with people and before it didn't really matter. I've been hurt and shunned and still have the ability to forgive and care for those who don't deserve it but to those who do I'm like a child my priorities have been drowned by doubt and fear. I don't really know what to hope for. All I hope for is that I'm still breathing tomorrow.  I've tried praying for things, yet God seems to ignore me. Even when I was deeply religious he still didn't show me what I was looking for.  And now all I can see as a certainty is a negative out come. I guess that's the only certainty of life. A negative outcome. I wish I was care free and nothing ever bothered me but in truth besides my humorous disguise I'm as fragile as a tomato. Maybe I'll be strong one day. Hopefully that day comes sooner.

Can there ever really be a black female protagonist

I know this isn't the usual crap I spurt about my life but I want to express something. 
Why is it that black female characters are either tragic helpless victims. Hateful vixens or a babies mama. Don't get me wrong there are many movies like the movie "something new" or "about last night." Even the Steve Harvey book based movie "think like a man." Where black women are actually portrayed as being desirable, fun, and quirky with Witt and a sense of humor.  But in supernatural dramas they are often stripped of femininity.  Like Hemlock grove for example and the only strong tough hard core black lady is a lesbian who treats the women she's with like trash, but the main love interest is the ethereal Letha Godfrey who is blonde, quiet, and white the ideal picture of flowery feminine bullshit.  Why is it that you can't be tough and be desirable without being a cold and humor less robot? Why can't you be soft and feminine without surrendering the ability to be strong.? Why does it seem like men can't write female characters without missing dimensions? It's like the character has enough to not be 2D but then they stop at 3D like oh well.
I'm so sick of stereotyping characters as well. A lesbian protagonist doesn't have to be manly or butch and treat women like a man does. And the protagonist of a heterosexual love story doesn't always have to be a glorified fucking saint.it seems like the same archetypes are used over and over again. Why can't there be interracial supernatural plots without them tiptoeing around black culture like it doesn't exist? Do you have to be completely white washed to be acceptable for an audience to love you? Because If that's the case we might as well still be reading Uncle Tom's fucking cabin! I'm a little pissed that writers can make multidimensional characters for pretty white women but the same stale roles are handed out to black actresses everyday. The wise black lady who is usually old and fat basically a mamie type figure. The sassy angry black woman who regardless of physical attractiveness is pushed aside because of her attitude.  And then the best friend.  Basically a sound board for white people's problems without really having anything better to do then make their lives easier.  Then there's the hard core bitch who is either hated in most of the movie, not to get any attention from men, and is stripped of being acknowledged as a female in general. This shit makes me upset. Smart People need to get their shit together and figure out a way to get outside of this shitty bubble without it just being a show on YouTube .
Goodnight readers

I can't even

Everything seems to get slower and slower and when I ignore it so I can at least try to enjoy the tiny bit of summer I have I end up having conversations about  how I don't have a job. I really want to work and I really do wish I was like my friends and my boyfriend because they have jobs and they can drive. But I don't have any of that. I hate being a late bloomer. I was late when everyone hit the stage in puberty where you get automatically cute. I was late on dating. Everything! I feel like I wrote about this before. It just irks me because I don't like being unproductive and broke. I feel like a scrub (that TLC song about not wanting a broke lover) anyway I don't feel like an adult yet. I feel like a lazy teen and everyone else is all grown up.

Sleep deprived

So pretty obvious due to the title I'm lacking sleep my neck hurts and my stupid anxious brain is going a mile a minute . so here I am eating peanut butter & honey sitting waiting for Netflix to load thinking of all my life choices.the friend that visited me is a long time friend  which I mentioned in 'Chubbs McGee' yesterdays post about my weight gain she stayed over and we talked like hens all through the wee hours of the morning. I didn't sleep well that night and I slept weird causing the neck discomfort I'm expericing now. Now I'm just emotionally exhausted and too excited for tomorrow to even give sleep a fighting chance. Weird how that works all day I was on the verge of napping and now when I need to I cant . funny how that works. And what little weight I did lose walking and shit I gained it all back thanks to Chinese food and popsicles. I can't even track if I made any progress since we ( mom & I ) don't have a scale in the apartment. Maybe I shouldn't stress. The weight should fall off evenly and hopefully in the fall I'll be back down to my previous size. I don't really eat much during the fall, usually I'm too lazy or too cold to try to feed myself. Last year I was depressed so that helped. Hopefully you guys reading are having a better night than I am.

Chubbs Mcgee

I'm off of birth control bow and I have about 20lbs to lose since the pill makes you want to eat even if you're full. My mom says the weight should shed off naturally as my hormones rebalance. Fingers crossed. I don't like being above a certain weight range since the women in my family usually end up being plus sized it makes me nervous. I know there isn't anything wrong with being plus sized its just not for me. Its not the path that I want I'm very vain and I like looking a certain way. The funny part though is I thought I was doing fine on the pull. I was even hoping that I was losing weight. But I wasn't. Maybe with all the walking and crap I started doing while Goat man is working should pay off . I'm going to see one of my best friends today maybe we'll end up going to walk to the icecream place near my house. Counter productive right? I know ... ��

So...

I haven't really posted in a while but I don't really have a good excuse for why. I've been at home doing almost nothing. I haven't worked on a lot of art for my portfolio but I have started writing which is okay I guess. I'm still on the hunt for the art work to write about in my essay. I'm gonna go to the art museum soon hopefully. I really feel mediocre and I'm starting to doubt how good my art work is. I dont really know why I just don't feel like anything is good enough at this point. I guess its the pressure of wrangling your best works for someone to look at and dissect that's making me nervous. I haven't found a job and everything is in sleep mode in my life right now. No work. No outings unless its a family affair at least. I'm going to two doctors appointments one Friday the other on Saturday. Other than that the life of Jade is pretty slow moving. One of the skirts I ordered on eBay came in today and I washed it and now its in the dryer its one of those cute skater skirts I ordered like four I've been kind of an eBay whore for a little while.

I've been on this little self exploration thing lately. Y'know rediscovering who I was supposed to be like what I like to wear , what I like to listen to, what I like to watch, I'm going back to the basics of me instead of doing what other people want me to do or wear . I want to be comfortable in my skin and then only then can I truly be the best friend , the best lover, and the best all around person. That's what really matters getting to know yourself before becoming someone you don't even want to be.

You just gotta love life and love yourself and be happy .

New pieces

Expensive

I've been looking at more art supplies online like professional grade markers and stuff and they are hella expensive. Its so sad looking at them on the internet longing to have them. I could've gotten some for free but the person wouldn't part with them even though they are no longer being used. It sucks. But I mean its not the suppllies that make the artist. Even though having copic markers and multi liners would be fucking awesome. I guess I should just get better at using & taking care of the supplies I already have and then when I'm ready and when I can afford them they'll come to me . I've been looking for jobs recently and I hope to god someone will call me for an interview and I can make my own money. Then I can support my habit with my own money instead of some one else's. I really do need to get this shopping thing under control. I fucking love shopping for things. For clothes for art supplies it just feels good to buy things. I may be a shopaholic. I have a problem :(

Tomorrow

I don't know what's going on tomorrow. I should go down to the library and fill out the application. Maybe I'll ask if I can get a paying job there too not just volunteering. I'm so worried about this leg of my adventure. I'm scared of every choice that comes my way because I want to do everything to the best of my abilities. I have no real reason to be afraid.  But its the worry gene I have fermenting in my soul growing day by day since I'm in this world making my own choices instead of following others. Its a little petty but I'm afraid of seeing someone I don't like when I sign up or them already working there. I'd cry. I don't know I'm socially retarded anyway . maybe I'll make a friend. I hate the way I'm afraid of everything. It seems to get worse with age. I really want to get a job. I have to start really searching instead of sulking around and blogging about how jobless I am. It makes sense...

Starving artist

Currently I am job less. My portfolio is lame and I haven't started on my essay. I still can't drive and I am 18 everything seems to be moving so slow for me but I've always been a late bloomer. I was a late bloomer with boys. I was a late bloomer with boobs. You name it and I was late to that party. Now I understand summer time sadness. I don't know where to work because I get anxious around people constantly. I'm not good around food because I work slow. I just can't seem to catch a break.